


accidentally on fire

by unsungillumination



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Ill-advised bets, M/M, Pining, no powers au, online dating au, tinder au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-07-01 21:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15782220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsungillumination/pseuds/unsungillumination
Summary: Tinder AU,P5less than a click away---convinced that he needs a little stress relief, ann persuades goro to download tinder. goro doesn't expect anything more than a casual fling or two, but a superlike from the cute guy with the fluffy catmightchange his mind.until it turns out to be an accident.





	1. spontaneous combustion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My Anthem**   
>  [Accidentally In Love](https://open.spotify.com/user/10774/playlist/6zxzz0YbCvPXagyWhB4WUT?si=J61TR1z0TJKcZWsouKqG5g)   
>  Counting Crows
> 
>  
> 
> thanks so much to my beautiful friends for your help and support <3 and especially to my lovely artist buddies (renee, stevie, and venny) for their time, incredible skill, and generosity! (full credits in endnotes.)
> 
> i've been working hard on this project for a while and i'm super excited for it. i hope you enjoy this chapter!

kissy face  
Active now

8:15 AM  
im just saying ur pent up. I am not PENT UP u r so fucking repressed it’s like not even funny anymore Hey. I’ve had plenty of casual relationships. it’s cute u say it like that like u don’t know that makes it 880000x less believable >:( oh im jkkkk i know ur not like. a virgin. but goro plz Am I supposed to take that as a compliment IM JUST SAYING u need sum stress relief u take life sooo seriously Life IS serious. not too serious 2 bone a stranger ;;;) Keep it classy, as always. mm my anti-speciality. get tinder!!!!!! please. Do I have to debase myself like this If you’re so insistent that I get an outlet, can’t I just take up boxing? repressed so fucking repressed I don’t deserve this vicious mockery just try ittt u dont have to meet up with anyone if u dont want to!!! Fine… I trust you, against my better judgement. yay!!! No reaction? idc u insult me like 10 times a day i figure its just howu show love Haha. Well, you’re not wrong ya u have emotional issues babe install tinder I hope those were meant to be two separate sentences.

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:47 AM  
What’s my best pic [IMG_173] No!!! [IMG_142] I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO DELETE u did [IMG_019] Why do you still have that?!!! an elephant never forgets h [[IMG_76]](https://i.imgur.com/1eNhNA2.jpg) that’s a frog, ann small n frowny. like u I smile plenty!! ya when ur about to commit murder. ok heres a good one for real [[IMG_284]](https://i.imgur.com/xNSBFdE.png) That is a picture of you. ya im hot Forget you

 

kissy face  
Active now

10:21 AM  
What am I supposed to put in the About section? Goro / 21 / Talk to me about my law school No Goro / 21 / Talk to me about my opinions that are better than yours Ann Goro / 21 / Talk to me about me you're fired Goro / 21 / I don’t know how to appreciate art. OK how’s this for a bio I like reading, bike-riding, and eating fancy food! Not looking for anything serious :D Eating fancy food? well u DO ur always posting pix of like, lobster caviar I’ve never tried lobster caviar. ok but u would. thanks for the bio :) <3

 

  
  
**Goro,** 21  
less than a kilometre away

This is a new experience for me, but I’m open to trying new things! Message me if you think we’ll get along. :)

 

kissy face  
Active now

10:43 AM  
I already have likes. get it boiiii

 

Yuuta

**Saturday** 11:06 AM

hey yuor hot hi respond

 

Seiji

**Saturday** 11:17 AM

heyyyyyyyy I think well get along (Face With Tears Of Joy ) Unconvinced. ?????

 

 

Kishou

**Saturday** 11:23 AM

want sum fuk

 

Eijirou

**Saturday** 11:27 AM

are you from tenesee I am Japanese.

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:29 AM  
All these people are terrible. lower ur standards fine Will you go on a date with me OKAy YOU

 

Fuyuki

**Saturday** 12:14 PM

are you aloan? becuz yr gaining my interest! lol I am, actually. wut? lol After that opener, you're debt to me.

 

Kazushi

**Saturday** 12:38 PM

wanna see my dick Not interested. Shall I pass your number to my friend? ok lol whos ur friend?? He's a microbiologist.

 

Takehiro

**Saturday** 12:57 PM

I’m flipping a coin. What are the odds of me getting head? About the same as getting some tail :) Ooh (Winking Face ) and what would those be (Winking Face ) Zero. I’m stealing your coin as compensation for this horrendous conversation. Have a good day

 

kissy face  
Active now

1:06 PM  
You’re right, this is proving to be fairly effective stress relief ??? dont tell me uve met up w someone already!!! No ????????

 

Gaku

**Saturday** 1:19 PM

hello beautiful (Smiling Face With Smiling Eyes ) Hi feet pix Wow. Talk about a heel face turn

 

  
  
**Ren,** 20  
17 km away

life is a training ground for my knife fight with god. talk to me about my cat

 

kissy face  
Active now

2:33 PM  
Ann Somebody "superliked" me OMG GET IT BOIIIII ofc tho ur hot <3 are they hot

 

  
  
**Ren,** 20  
17 km away

life is a training ground for my knife fight with god. talk to me about my cat

 

kissy face  
Active now

2:35 PM  
Passable that means they are fucking smoking send pix [SCR_277] [SCR_278] holy shit swipe What if he doesn’t have a personality? he has a cat and a hot body who gives a FUCK ...

 

  
  
**Ren,** 20  
17 km away

life is a training ground for my knife fight with god. talk to me about my cat

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:41 PM  
it has been a WHOLE DAY just msg him first jfc Who do you think I am

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:12 AM

hey

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:13 AM  
[SCR_291] OMG Stay calm are u calm???? :/

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:16 AM

Hello. Creative, aren’t we? pretty lacklustre opener i know and i am sorry i would do better but i have to confess something

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:20 AM  
[SCR_292] here comes the line. Workshop a response with me. right here boo

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:21 AM

so i actually swiped you by accident

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:21 AM  
……… [SCR_293] oh my god????? no thats fucking bullshit he wouldve unmatched!!!!!! whats he trying 2 pull :) do u want me to kill him?? im omw no no Take his cat first ON it

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:26 AM

Good to know... ahaha im sorryy I have to ask why you would decide to message me, if that’s the case because i am open minded and willing to give people a chance when they are as pretty as you. and i also don’t know how to undo anything on this app and I felt bad. I’m glad you decided to message me out of misplaced charity. Don’t worry if you don’t have it in you to work out how to unmatch. Leave it to me. damn cold that’s hot no im sorry… I didn’t mean to offend you. im being rude No, that doesn’t offend me. ?? Continuing to waste my time, however, comes close. OUCH lol maybe this was a happy accident. I think i like you

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:30 AM  
goro what's going on

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:31 AM

Thank you so much. I finally have a reason to go on.

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:32 AM  
Goro GORO GORO GORO THE EXPLORO hush

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:33 AM

god youre so mean. do it more Sorry, I’d love to continue this, but I have to go. oh wyd? I have an urgent excuse that needs my attention this superlike is the best decision i have ever accidentally made

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:35 AM  
are you STILL TALKING 2 HIM tell me ur destroying him at least [SCR_294] WHJFSDKFS goro i luv u also this guy definitely wants u to step on him An insult to the mud on my shoes fucking

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:21 PM

heyy so I’m curious about something why’d you swipe me in the first place?

 

Wataru

**Monday** 11:21 PM

was youre father an intergalactic space smuggler, wanted for peddling extraterrestrial contraband in nine systems? then who stole the stars and put them in your eyes? Oh, I swoon. Since you’re evidently the middleman, do tell Siri to give me a call - and to fire her assistant for poor transcription. It’s “your”.

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:23 PM

Because you superliked me oh im just an ego boost to you (Crying Cat Face )

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:24 PM  
he’s talking to me again why haven’t u unmatched yet Idk he’s the most interesting person I’ve met on this app

 

Atsuto

**Monday** 11:24 PM

show me ur dick

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:25 PM  
and surprisingly one of the most respectful. wow. paints a grim picture You’re telling me.

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:26 PM That’s right. That, and the friend in your photo is cute. ?? theres no one in my pics except me and my cat oh. :) so that’s your ideal man. soft and fluffy. and occasionally bitey and scratchy I have good taste well it’s definitely a match this fluffy pointy little man would love pats aand so would my cat Ha.

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:34 PM  
hey wait u don’t actually like him do u?? I barely know him. It’s just good fun. It’s not like there’s anyone else to talk to what am i. chopped liver Gourmet awwwww babe<3 uhh i think??? (Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:37 PM

I wanted to ask. Why are you still talking to me? Didn’t you say this was an accident? well. full disclosure i wasn’t actually trying to say no. What were you trying to do? read your bio thought swiping up would show ur profile It doesn’t thanks. well now that I can read it I can pass judgement Oh, don’t keep me in suspense. honestly mightve been a left swipe on this one. Please, if you continue sweet-talking me I might just swoon.

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:40 PM  
[SCR_295] please go easy i don’t want to help u hide another body “another”

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:41 PM

dont get me wrong. you are very hot why else would i look at your bio Am I supposed to be flattered yes? how many men can get me to read actually So what’s so repulsive about my profile? Do enlighten me ok do you have any like instant dealbreakers in a profile More than two emojis in a row, link to Snapchat or Instagram, recycled line I’ve seen on the internet, cheesy one-liner, dedicated abs shot, one or more of their pictures is a drunk photo, any inspirational quote, empty bio Any mention of the word “adventure”. Business majors. wow. shit. Offset by dogs or cats. ok valid. You’ve got me curious. What was it about my profile that matched up with your dealbreaker criteria? punctuation … like u think ur better than me or something

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:45 PM  
[SCR_296] omg he’s a moron Right so exactly your type excuse me. hot and a moron and thinks youre hot and thinks you’re smart If that were true, I’d be dating you. . sweetie, :) bold of you to assume well no. actually, u ARE pretty aww man :))

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:50 PM

Oh, I don’t just think. WOW

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:50 PM  
WAIT i dont have a cat or dog. ha im not ur type is that a victory? uhh i don’t know. i lost track of my point I’m too pretty… I distracted you... fuck off!!!!!

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:53 PM

youre lucky i kinda love it when you’re mean to me Am I? I might consider myself luckier if you were deterred. A pity you’re apparently so deplorable. god sweettalk me. hey. I have a proposal.

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:55 PM  
[SCR_297] show me a ring first honey!!

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:55 PM

? let’s make a bet

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:56 PM  
he wants to make a bet on what??? he hasn’t said yet. THEN DONT TELL ME TIL HE DOES GOD

 

Ren

**Monday** 11:57 PM

What bet?

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:58 PM  
You’re so impatient well YOURE an idiot why would you tell me theres a bet and not what it is There isn’t a bet. I haven’t made it yet. THEN GO MAKE IT

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:00 AM

don’t get me wrong i do love it when you’re rude to me Ugh.

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:00 AM  
what if I don’t want to make it? THEN DONT BUT TELL ME WHAT IT IS stop shouting NO

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:01 AM

but i bet i can do you one better i bet i can make you fall for me

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:02 AM  
[SCR_298] oh m ygod cliche but also dont do it he’ll win. what?!! do you really think so little of me Ann is typing... dontanswer that well i saAid don’t Ann is typing... stop typing Stop typing

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:06 AM

what do you say I don’t believe I’ve ever met someone as arrogant as you. if its so farfetched then youll have no problem taking it right ;)

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:07 AM  
whats happening!! waitlet me guess. he’s baiting you

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:07 AM

Fine. I accept your bet.

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:07 AM  
and ur gonna take it bc i told u not to. goro Goro

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:08 AM

What are the stakes?

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:08 AM  
we have known each other LONG ENOUGH i know silence means im right. when u get his number give it to me. im taking some of the spoils did he bet food. ur buying me food

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:09 AM

a date with prince charming (Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart) Try again. no listen if i win u have to come on a nice date with me. buy me dinner. and tickets to a movie of ur choice, b/c im generous and I get to post a cheesy couple selfie on insta saying ur my boyfriend b/c lets face it ur hot and it will give me. #clout And when I win? “the most arrogant” u ever looked in a mirror well no ud fall in love with urself Thank you. I do look good, don’t I? jesus I don’t know. what do u want Wire me money for lunch and coffee. For one, just to hit the point home that I’ll never go out with you. jesus x2 I get to rewrite your whole profile and direct you to take two new photographs to replace two of your current ones. And you have to post a pathetic photo of yourself, alone, telling all your friends and family that you failed to woo me… omitting my name, of course. hey you get more than me. also god ur harsh. that shouldnt do things for me The amount shouldn’t matter. Aren’t you confident that you’ll win? wow we just met and u already know the way to victory. is my ego fine you’re on get ready to be Wood Wooed woohooed

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:15 AM  
:/ ur a fucking idiot?

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:15 AM

You’re off to a bad start. thats what u think.

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:16 AM  
or ull be fucking an idiot. when he wins. lol that was a good one im saving it for when hes ur boyfriend so i can text it to him I’m going to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ann's facebook photo: renee [@rnoonjelly](https://twitter.com/rnoonjelly)  
> goro's tinder photo: stevie [@soupsleuth](https://twitter.com/soupsleuth)  
> ren's tinder photos: venny [@peonysoda](https://twitter.com/peonysoda)  
> please be sure to check out the rest of their work! after seeing their art for yourselves, i'm sure i don't need to wax poetic about how wonderful they are. <3
> 
> workskin adapted from [How to Make iOS Text Messages on AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845/) by CodenameCarrot and La_Temperanza.  
> generic tinder user icons are crowd assets taken from [The Spriter's Resource](https://www.spriters-resource.com/playstation_3/persona5/).


	2. fanning the flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My Anthem**   
>  [Everything You Do](https://open.spotify.com/user/10774/playlist/6zxzz0YbCvPXagyWhB4WUT?si=J61TR1z0TJKcZWsouKqG5g)   
>  He is We
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> cheers to artist friends (renee and pom) for working with me on this chapter! full credits in endnotes, as before.
> 
> thanks to my lovely friends as always, and thank you all for your patience! =w= i hope you enjoy this chapter. i had a lot of fun writing and formatting it!

Ren

**Monday** 10:37 AM

okay so i thought about it And? i am still pretty sure fish know they’re wet Really? You spent a whole evening thinking about this, only to come back just as incorrect as ever? Goro is typing... no stop please fine ill concede if you don’t make me read all those articles about semantics again Ah, exactly as I planned. :) evil Do you really not read? nah i love reading Goro is typing... i just said i didnt because i didnt want you to think im a nerd. like you You’re calling me a nerd? We barely know anything about each other. you are literally wearing a sweater vest in your second photo it’s stylish! ohhhhhmy god do i want to shove you into a locker or make out with you hopefully LMAO

 

kissy face  
Active 43 minutes ago

10:44 AM  
help Ann help I said something dumb

 

Ren

**Monday** 10:46 AM

someone’s warming up to me ;) Offer them my condolences you cut me so deep. why haven’t you unmatched me yet then huh! Destroying you is excellent stress relief Ren is typing... ;) oh please.

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

3:24 PM  
HEY!!!!!! I’M SOOO SORRY  THERE you are... it’s been more than a day! Where were you? Are you okay? GORO I LUV U IM SORRY I broke my phone. again? How? uh I dropped it That shouldn’t completely destroy it... How hard did you drop it?? uhhh well I didn’t drop it that hard but I kinda dropped it somewhere bad Did you drop it in the lake again  NO and they got that one out!! it was dead OBVIOUSLY IT WAS DEAD Noo I dropped it in the parking lot this time ann under a car Ann and then it got run over. it’s ok I’m getting a new one  Ann... SORRY OK You’ve been through three phones in the time I’ve had mine  blah blah you’er so perfect argh anyway. I’m sorry I didn’t reply for so longgg I couldn’t order a new phone until just today bc I have sooo many shoots this week and next week and I’m gonna be dawn til dusk for a while. crying and my new phone isn’t comingfor AGES im borrowing my friends right now bc i had to TELL EVERYONE whats going on my temp phone is kind of just, a nokia. for emergencies. and I don’t have much credit Wow. Welcome back to the 2000s. I KNOWW but im getting so good at snake. god im sorry ill miss you but Im gonna be Off the Line until after these shoots calm down OK I love you.......i gotta go <3 take care of yourself OK? Good luck, I’m looking forward to seeing your beautiful pictures you’re so sweeeeeet <333 it almost balances out the bitch energy wow I’LL SEE U LATER (Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart) don’t do anything dumb when im not here!!! have some faith in me no. love you bye!!

 

* * *

 

Haruo

**Thursday** 7:19 PM

Hey, I think you’re cute! You’re not so bad yourself :) Aw thanks (Grinning Cat Face With Smiling Eyes ) What do you do? I’m a student at todai, studying law. What about you? Hey that’s hot (Face With Tears Of Joy ) Just working at the moment! I see  Hey so is it too forward if I ask what you’re looking for on here? Looking to proposition me already? well aren’t you blunt (Winking Face ) Well I guess so yeah LOL, you seem nice and you’re definitely my type (Winking Face ) Ha sorry, is it too soon? Actually, the honesty is kind of refreshing. :) Your manners don’t hurt, either LOL I know right? People are so crude (Face With Cold Sweat ) Well would you like to go for drinks sometime? Sure. How about tomorrow night? 

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Friday** 4:11 PM

hey goro (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) oh hello you busy right now? ...that depends on what you say next u think so little of me. i just wanted to say hi... chat... get 2 know you Sure, I’m free. and then we can sext after free to leave right now, that is KIDDING :) I have some time. appreciate you making time in your busy schedule for me well, you aren’t so bad. (Heart With Arrow ) give a guy some warning (Face Throwing A Kiss ) is there something you wanted to ask? not in particular just thought, if you’re going to fall in love with me we should get to know each other you know i’m pretty curious about you that’s not a bad idea wow really no pushback? I’m not opposed to getting to know each other Ultimately I’m sure that will make it more satisfying when I crush your heart under my heel Ren is typing... wow. uh :)? you know what? I don’t think I want to unpack this right now. Haha. moving past that. (Smiling Face With Open Mouth And Smiling Eyes ) So? Getting to know each other? how do you propose we go about that well we could just say facts about ourselves until we die I do like talking about myself. I guessed as much. quite the detective aren’t we? (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) hey there’s an idea what, playing detective? mmhmm. let’s guess stuff about each other and we can say true or false That actually sounds fun is the surprise necessary. i am very fun hmm maybe not to you. i deduce that your idea of fun is Curling up in my bedroom on a Friday night with a good book :) no it’s fucking  JSKJKGDFD??? Of course you’d choose that to mock me... I forgot you can’t read wow........................ so im right then? I’m not opposed to staying in with a book, no Surely you won’t try to argue I can only find one thing fun, though (Winking Face ) oh ;)

 

kissy face  


4:26 PM  
ann. I need your h elp

 

Ren

**Friday** 4:27 PM

We need to lay ground rules for all the different kinds of fun we’re going to have?? for the guessing game! Get your mind out of the gutter oh sure MY mind is in the why do we need rules. fuck rules i spit in the face of rules is this a good time to mention I’m a law student? oh. no. a few minutes ago would have been better. uh don’t arrest me please :) rule #1: i reserve the right to not answer anything that makes me uncomfortable ok fine i guess that’s fair rule 2: you have to go into more detail abouot your first answer to that guess. i enforce rule #1 ugh do u have more rules? can i stop hearing about rules now? i suppose that’s all we need right now... oh, rule #2: i reserve the right to make up more rules if i feel like it this feels unfair. so rules have to be fair? well i mean yeah If rules are meant to be fair, why do you hate them? don’t tell me you’re against fairness wait I’ll concede to remove #2 for inconsistency with the spirit of rules only if you concede that rules are not, in and of themselves, bad  realizing i started a fight with a law student. why do you care about this. I don’t, actually. Rules and the law are frequently detrimental to people so your concerns are perfectly valid and studying law doesn’t give me any particular stake in defending them, no. it actually gives me a front seat to the failings of the system  that said, so then?? it’s fun to get the best of you.  wow wow. ok I just had SUCH a shift at work so im too tired for this right now but i WILL get you back.  I look forward to it. What’s your answer? fine. I concede. fck you lovely. only one rule then! i hate that this is hot your turn to guess Alright.

 

  
  
**Ren,** 20  
17 km away

life is a training ground for my knife fight with god. talk to me about my cat

 

Ren

**Friday** 4:31 PM

You work out, but only for aesthetic benefit what the fuck Am I right? OK depends. what do you think of my Aesthetic BenefitS ;) ehh >:( then no you’re wrong and it’s for health reasons health reasons people thinking i’m pretty is good for my health. I suppose I can relate. so. are you going to help improve my health? certainly ;) oh?? eat a vegetable oh.

 

kissy face  


4:35 PM  
ann, every moment you are absent having a life outside of me is another moment of me saying increasingly foolish things because of this stupid man. and I think I am dying

 

Ren

**Friday** 4:35 PM

well. if you’re done shattering my heart. should I guess now Actually, I’m so sorry to cut us short, but I really need to finish this paper before tonight and I’ve just realized it’s later than I thought it was It’s surprisingly easy to lose track of time when I’m talking to you. w hell you’re so mean all the time and then out of nowhere...................... I’m full of surprises! (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) can’t wait to see more. (Smiling Face With Smiling Eyes ) Shall we continue our game another time? sure... I’m looking forward to it it was really nice talking to you goro :)

 

kissy face  


4:40 PM  
fuck I was going to address him by name as a tactic of endearment, but he must have had the same idea and he pressed send one second before I did  the bastard is good

 

Ren

**Friday** 4:41 PM

You too, Ren. I’ll talk to you later. :)

 

kissy face  


4:42 PM  
ann, this is the most difficult time in my life and you are not here for me. how can I ever trust again?

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Saturday** 8:57 AM

heyy you were in my dream last night Oh. A little forward aren’t we oh no nothing indecent although I do appreciate that your mind went to that immediately I observe my present company and make assumptions accordingly >:( no I dreamed we went on our date Did you now? very chaste very prude you would have loved it. Ha.  except since your photos are waist up you didn’t have legs. I am assuming you have such great legs that my subconscious can’t conjure them How did I move? don’t tell me you carried me oh I wish no you just floated along deeply disturbing yeah very unfortunate I think I would like you better with legs I also like me better with legs. What did we do on our date? I bought you coffee... my deep and dark fantasies of being a gentleman ;) are you enamored with me yet What was my coffee order? some froofy ass Frappuccino gentleman. mwah. then we went to the lake and you insisted we hire a jetski and I said “but you don’t have legs” and then you called me an ingrate. it was super hot Impressive really?? that your subconscious knows the word ingrate mmmm your smartguy persona is rubbing off on me Ren is typing... In anticipation of what you’re about to say my advice is to leave that there. oh fine anyway how was your night It was nice

 

kissy face  


9:02 AM  
[SCR_327] So my options are to tell him the truth, which is that I hooked up with a stranger last night, to make him jealous. Or not to tell him anything so he doesn’t have any information on me. you’re not here, so you can’t call me out on overstrategizing. But I can guess what you would say No I’m not trying to make him jealous because I like him. I’m doing it because I am a petty human being And no I’m not keeping secrets to avoid hurting my chances with him. if I had an interest, I am fairly certain have absolutely no reason to worry about my chances with him. And I don’t. Stop overthinking it, Ann.

 

Ren

**Saturday** 9:05 AM

I’m on the train home now ?? did you not make it home last night?

 

kissy face  


9:06 AM  
wrong choice. Why didn’t you talk me out of this!

 

Ren

**Saturday** 9:06 AM

Didn’t you ask me to elaborate on my answer yesterday afternoon? Oh my god wait are you walk of shame right now?! There’s no need for shame oh you right you right daamn didn’t take you for such a dog. Impressed oh please, there’s no need to be crude uh woof woof Haha. Don’t tell me you’re jealous. don’t tell me you want me to be ;)

 

kissy face  


9:10 AM  
to borrow the typical lingo of your ilk I (Clapping Hands Sign ≊ Clapping Hands) hate (Clapping Hands Sign ≊ Clapping Hands) this (Clapping Hands Sign ≊ Clapping Hands)

 

Ren

**Saturday** 9:11 AM

Oh this is my stop I’ll talk to you later Indulge in your fantasies then see you later if you’re not out living them with someone else ;))

 

kissy face  


9:13 AM  
What’s happening to my good sense? there’s been no rhyme or reason to any of my decisions for the past five days This is completed uncharted territory. I can usually track the exact thought process through everything I do but I feel like I’m lost at sea right now, like I haven’t actually been thinking anything through I’m sure these decisions are foolish but I can’t even tell. how do you live like this?  and where ARE you. Check your messages. Do you not have a laptop

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 7:32 AM

hey ok so... my next guess is that you skip breakfast a lot Hello. Were you thinking of me? (Smirking Face ) So? Breakfast? How do you figure that? you just seem like the go get em type. like, the out the door immediately after waking up type. and spending 40 minutes on your hair and makeup I do not spend 40 minutes do you eat breakfast or not? Yes insight check god I usually grab an apple and a cup of tea on my way out. that is NOT enough Have decided our second date will be a breakfast date and also after that I’m breaking into your house to cook you food every morning Charming. I’m fine, really... It’s just breakfast the most important meal of the day!!

 

kissy face  


7:38 AM  
I nearly just told him his face was the most important meal of the day. Why is he so easy to talk to? plus he keeps showing genuine concern for me and it’s getting annoying please come back and make him stop being attentive and nice for no reason.

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 7:40 AM

Fine, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll stop by a cafe this morning and get a croissant. if it’ll make me happy? I mean if it’ll make you be quiet nope no take backs

 

kissy face  


7:42 AM  
Ann, I am falling apart

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 7:42 AM

I’m not taking anything back Your happiness is my happiness, because you will stop talking if you are happy. Apologies for not following my train of thought through completely, I forgot you’re incapable of inferring from context immune to your insults because you accidentally said something nice and now I’m glowing Send me pictures of your breakfast as proof evidence is everything mr lawyer I can’t send photos on Tinder (Grinning Cat Face With Smiling Eyes ) add me on snapchat

 

kissy face  


7:46 AM  
Ann I think I’m panicking Ican’t breahe

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 7:57 AM

hey?? ssorry I’m here I don’t have snapchat then make one it’ll take 2 seconds

 

kissy face  


7:59 AM  
hessaw thoruhg my flawless lie damn it

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 8:11 AM

Again, if it will quiet you these long pauses  you don’t have to if you don’t want to... I just want to know you’re eating, that’s all @iustitia oh cute hey this is NOT a new account your snap score is way up there mm, busted You’re @monamoo? Is that a reference to something? MY CAT his name is morgana and I luv him my friend set it. did you know you can’t change your snapchat username. I do in fact unfortunate It’s cute, though. (Grinning Cat Face With Smiling Eyes )

 

kissy face  


8:16 AM  
h

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 8:17 AM

Okay... I’ll send you a picture of my breakfast when I get it. You are very overbearing (Smiling Cat Face With Heart-Shaped Eyes ) I’m very charming Don’t lie... you’re charmed by me aren’t you (Kissing Cat Face With Closed Eyes ) Hmm, I’d call it a morbid and unfortunate fascination Like being unable to turn off a bad movie when it comes on TV. you know what, I’ll take it

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Ichirō

**Wednesday** 2:19 PM

hewwo~ do u like pancakes uwu

 

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Friday** 8:59 PM

hey... just checking in... seeing if ur in love with me yet negative I’m afraid damn. I’ll keep trying. you know, we never set a time frame or anything for this bet oh yeah eh we’ll figure it out ...Should we not figure that out now? It’s an essential part of the agreement OK don’t go drawing up contracts mr lawyerman lets just keep it breezy... If the time frame is undetermined then how long will it take before you accept that I’ll never fall for you? infinity time. I will never concede defeat this is rigged. it doesn’t matter anyway I’m gonna win You are infuriating mm thanks I don’t know, I don’t really want to put a time on it because wouldn’t it be kind of relative to how long we keep in contact w hich hopefully is forever ily boo but you know Wow, you sound like you might be on your way to a halfway sensible point it’s been known to happen. like, if we give it a big timeframe, then it’ll be weird since we haven’t known each other that long and that’ll be like, making assumptions but if we make it small, then it’ll end up being weird and too short if we do actually end up keeping in contact for a long time how do we account for that if we can’t anticipate these things and how hard I go depends how much time im going for and that’d adjust it too plus it would kind of feel like a deadline on us talking and I don’t want that Ren is typing... shockingly me flirting with you to get a reaction does not exactly lend itself to intention to contract. law words are you impressed Did you google that just then no. I BINGed it (Neutral Face ) yeag I googled it So you have actually thought about this. I’m surprised. am always thinking about u xxx It’s kind of refreshing to see this side of you. You’re taking this more seriously than I thought. mmhmm. I can overthink too baybe sorry to hear it (Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart) I just figured you’re the kind of person who likes to be taken seriously, you know? and I can do that That’s another guess btw That’s... correct, actually. That’s very considerate of you.  ha and I bet you were out here thinking im just some dumb thot and you are correct! but I am also a criminal mastermind. when you’re on trial for grand larceny three months from now this conversation will come in handy mm. represent me baby (Scales ≊ Balance Scale) It is infuriating having a wager without strict terms, but I take your point... I suppose I can see the value in playing it by ear, theoretically. god I can feel your jaw clenching. admittedly this isn’t something I typically enjoy doing (Grinning Cat Face With Smiling Eyes ) hey it’ll be a new experience. learn to loosen up you know maybe it’ll be good for you Maybe. so tell me does my sharp and tactical mind impress you enough to agree to a date Mm, you’ll need a better strategy I’m afraid aw. Very sorry (Crying Cat Face ) am I pitiful enough that u will agree to. a pity date. I’m not running a charity, Ren. donate yourself to the needy....... needy is right. (Broken Heart )

 

* * *

 

Fujio

**Saturday** 12:23 AM

heeeeey cutie wat u up to?  Hi :) not much, just finishing some class notes. You? ahaaha sounds good (Face With Tears Of Joy ) just playing video games lol Oh, what are you playing? pokemon (Face With Tears Of Joy ) Sounds like fun :) I’ve always liked Pokemon. (Face With Tears Of Joy ) hey if you’re not busy wanna go to the beach? ...It’s midnight. (Face With Tears Of Joy ) **Saturday** 2:01 AM

ok so this is gonna soundweird but I think we’re soulmates. just our short conversation about pokemon made me remember my passion to be a musician so even if you never talk to me again and think I’m weird then thank you, you are so beautiful and you changed my life

 

kissy face  


2:04 AM  
why is this app so weird

 

* * *

 

Umanosuke

**Saturday** 10:46 AM

Hey, I think I’ve seen you around campus! Goro Akechi, right? That’s right :) Sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met...? Oh no lol we take different classes! Always thought you’re cute though :) Haha, thank you. That’s very flattering coming from someone like you. :) Oh? ;) We should meet up on campus sometime! Sure. The cafe in your second photo looks familiar... Is it the one on the corner of the economics building? I’ve been there a few times. They do a very nice cheesecake. LOL. Well I’m free Friday afternoon. Can I buy you a cheesecake? What an unexpected invitation! lol That sounds lovely. I’ll see you then? Sounds great! (Smiling Face With Open Mouth )

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Monday** 10:19 AM

OK so for our date I have work to do right now, Ren Am I supposed to waste time indulging your fantasies Well! no. I thought you were type A. don’t you want to plan this carefully itll be our first date babe I want it to be perfect (Face Throwing A Kiss ) talk to yourself if you like but I have to finish these case summaries ok so ill pick you up for dinner would you prefer my car or a limousine i cant pay for the limousine though. I’m charmed already u replied!! worried my silence would encourage you to plan an exorbitant hypothetical date and drain my hypothetical wallet although, actually, not worried, since it’s not happening (Pouting Face ) tandem bike it is. (Smiling Face With Open Mouth And Smiling Eyes ) a bike would be fine what Motorbike, I mean oh. i thought you wanted me to just cart you around on my handlebars. as entertaining as it would be to watch you struggle, that’s not safe no of course not i am safe in all things wink did you really just type out the word “wink” wink motorbike? are you into that I’ve always liked motorbikes. **Monday** 2:17 PM

hey sorry i was taking a shower it’s... 2pm and you were gone for four hours. im clean now! :) anyway what a coincidence me too! about motorbikes

 

  
  
**Ren,** 20  
17 km away

life is a training ground for my knife fight with god. talk to me about my cat

 

Ren

**Monday** 2:21 PM

So I see. Is this photo new? which photo? oh the motorcycle photo? nope it’s always been there have eyes much I’m too tired to prove you wrong so I’ll just point out that I can and how would you do that. I’m being baited.

 

kissy face  


2:24 PM  
[SCR_347] this is so frustrating. I know he’s just being obnoxious, but I still want to prove him wrong so he’ll be quiet about it. I can do it. I have screenshots of his profile that show the number of photos he had before. But I can’t use them, because then he’ll know I took screenshots, and he’ll want to know why I did that. I’ve been backed into a corner... and not in a fun way oh god, he’s rubbing off on me still not in a fun way I hate myself.

 

Ren

**Monday** 2:29 PM

No smart reply? I’m being the bigger man oh ;) just Who’s Johanna? What? It’s engraved on the bike what? oh. that’s right it is isn’t it Hm. Shouldn’t you know that about your own bike? uh I’ve had her a long time... I can’t remember every little thing I’ve done with her... Geez... you are so infuriating I get that a lot. How so though you insist on being wrong in such an inane way that I can’t even rebut you because there’s not enough sense in your words for any kind of refutation to find a foothold. talk dirty to me So who’s Johanna? oh yeah that’s the bike’s name. The bike’s name. yeah that’s her name named me bike

 

kissy face  


2:37 PM  
[SCR_349] The most likely possibilities are a) this is not his bike b) this is his bike and he’s engraved the name of an ex-girlfriend on it, which is weird, and knowing him, probably dirty somehow The outcome is that this somehow doesn’t put me off as much as it ought to, and THAT is upsetting

 

Ren

**Monday** 2:39 PM

It’s a nice bike. She, and she is isn’t she But I can’t take you on her unfortunately because she’ll be in the shop How do you know that? huh We don’t have a hypothetical date for our hypothetical date. yeah but like I know these things Unfortunate. That’s fine. oh really Sure. We could hypothetically take mine. y your bike? Mmhmm. I’d drive, of course. Surely you have no problems riding on the back? You have a motorbike? Yes wow what? Nothing You just keep surprising me in really great ways Are you sure you’re not in love with me yet I want that date Mm, sorry, sweetheart. sweetheart.............. a knife. in my chest

 

* * *

 

Masaji

**Wednesday** 10:47 PM

send dick pics <https://i.imgur.com/AqkntxB.png>

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Thursday** 8:45 AM

Hi, are you there?  you messaged me first! babe we hit a milestone <3 regretting this no come back yeah I’m here what’s up? nothing, actually. I’m in class. You’re messaging me in class?? it’s...... mind numbing and I’m very tired aww be strong Haha, I’ll be okay... I’m just bored. I thought dealing with some of your random nonsense would wake me up a little. random nonsense is my specialty. <https://i.imgur.com/PNKnQxG.jpg> this is a dog <https://i.imgur.com/lPpQXNs.jpg> this is a dog as well Thank you I love them Guess: You’re a dog person guilty as charged Guess: you’re a cat person? yeah... but don’t worry we can make this work (Face Throwing A Kiss ) Hmm, dubious... D: But you’re right, I believe in us :D What class are you in? ugh I don’t even know You don’t know?? boring law things boring?? law?? things??? I know it’s shocking but law is not always thrilling. :O?!?!?! especially not at 8 in the morning oh ew hands u a coffee thank you so hey I’m curious why do you do law anyway You don’t want to guess? it’s probably for a smart law reason Not really I mean, partly, I suppose do elaborate Well, Goro is typing... I find justice fascinating as a concept. I’m not sure it’s necessarily possible to understand it and what it means, truly, but it’s always been something that’s interesting to think about and to dig deeper into. In some ways, pursuing justice and fairness feels like a puzzle to be solved, although of course there is no answer. But that makes it more compelling to me. so philosophical... I do have other, more personal reasons, but I’ll spare you.

 

  Snapchat • now

 **Snapchat**  
from Ren  


 

Ren

**Thursday** 8:51 AM

A picture of a penny? Oh. Cute. Haha... Well, if you really want to know. I... didn’t have the easiest time growing up. I suppose I harbor a bit of a vendetta against the system and people who made that so. Part of me simply wants to tear it to the ground and rebuild it from nothing. It's simply most elegant to collapse it from the inside. (Beer Mug ) fuck the system (Beer Mug ) Yeah. I get that. You don’t seem particularly enamored with power systems yourself. how can you tell (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) I don’t go about my Rebelling in as orthodox ways as you though. Haha, don’t tell me you’re moonlighting as some great thief of justice ok I won’t ;) oh dear I’m kidding, for the court’s reference (Smiling Face With Open Mouth ) I didn’t have the greatest time growing up either.  Feel like sharing? ah just the usual. framed for assault spent a year on probation standard teen experience I’m... sorry that happened to you. thanks this dnming with a tinder match at nine in the morning Haha, sorry. Too heavy, isn’t it? actually it’s kinda nice. I don’t make much of a secret of it anyway so I don’t mind hey thanks for sharing I like learning about you Of course. I like learning about you, too. feel up to paying attention in class now or shall I keep distracting you ;) ...I’m going to put my phone away now. damn it well have fun furthering your education... I’ll talk to you later, Goro (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) See you, Ren.

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Friday** 11:41 AM

hey goro hello :) (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) how are you today I’m alright. I’m taking a rest day from studying oh nice I thought you’d be the intense overwork type. scratches that out I’m glad Well ...unscratches it out. It’s a bit all or nothing, really. your health is bad for my health oh, like you’re a paragon of good health Uh I am a very healthy and well-rounded individual Goro is typing... stop typing I will PROVE it if you agree to go on a date with me No thanks What happened to dedication to truth and justice above all else and all that stuff I wonder :( So you’re not busy? Not at the moment, no. Just having a cup of tea. Why? Wanna do something? I’m not going on a date with you no I mean like online like a game or something A cyberspace date, hm...? the literal nerdiest way to put it but sure wow maybe you’d get along with my friend Do you play chess? I was gonna suggest poker but sure chess is good Have you played much? I have played before Haha, shall I go easy? nope all in not poker all... king? hm **Friday** 11:52 AM

ok maybe go a bit easy.  :) **Friday** 12:31 PM

Congratulations. I did not win But you lasted much longer that last time I’m too depressed to make a joke about that I was counting on that :) when you agree to go on that date with me. Play with me irl? Coach me through chess properly so the student can become the master I won’t agree, but it would be my hypothetical pleasure. Nice I’ll beat you one day. I’ll take your word for it. In the meantime, thanks for being my longest winning streak in a while. oh shut up poker next time. Sure.

 

* * *

 

Ichiei

**Sunday** 1:11 PM

hey beautiful! Hello, handsome... (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) i’m glad we matched! i was hoping i’d get to talk to you :) You’re sweet. It’s nice to meet you. :) You too! hey so what do you do? I’m studying law at Todai. What about you? oh hey that’s so cool! I’m doing biology there! (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) Really? That must be fascinating... I’ve never been very good at science... I’ve always thought it was interesting, though (Smiling Face With Smiling Eyes ) ahaha well hit me up for fun facts any time (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) Well, perhaps I’ll take you up on that (Smiling Face With Smiling Eyes ) hey I know this is kinda fast but you seem really nice and I’d love to chat in person if you want? If you’re on campus, can I buy you a coffee sometime this week? Thank you, that sounds lovely. Are you free Tuesday morning? Sure am (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) great!! I’m looking forward to it!! Me too :)

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Sunday** 3:12 PM

heyyy i got you something. What? not even a thank you? i do all the work in this relationship (Unamused Face ) Tell me what it is first. entitled

 

  Snapchat • now

 **Snapchat**  
from Ren  


 

Ren

**Sunday** 3:15 PM

bought u flowers That’s... a lot of flowers What does that card say? “to my love my life my one and only” I see. that has to be the coldest reaction to a confession of love ever Do you usually send photos of your gifts before the actual gift? well. i can’t actually send you this. i don’t know where you live Correct so this is symbolic they are really classing up my workplace i have gotten many compliments everyone thinks you are a lovely girlfriend, if slightly overbearing So really, you sent yourself flowers and bragged about it to me. aren’t i charming! are you in love with me yet I suppose you’ve saved me the allergies You get allergies? that’s cute How is that cute sniffly nose like a rabbit a tissuey death adorable. Duly noted. Will not bring flowers to our date when you finally agree to go on it what should I bring instead your social security number u r my social security baby Check your Snapchat. dead flowers. i cant believe this also I maybe lied. Buying myself flowers was not the romantic gesture Is the other thing any good? hhgjfhjdghdg my feelings... but no look [open.spotify.com/user/mo...](https://open.spotify.com/user/10774/playlist/3l73wOyzodniIbr8iZ2xvk?si=zFOifOi6RdWZeZxHIqwZWw) made u a mixtape! But you don’t know what I listen to. Consider it my next few guesses then (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth ) <https://i.imgur.com/F0W81Ns.png> And also I made you this beautiful customized notepaper. it is made of clip art about law  I can see that I figured you could print a stack of it with college printers. you know. drain government resources. Fight the man :) I’m actually touched. do u like them!! I do... Thank you, Ren. You’re very sweet. SO No, I won’t go on a date with you shot through the heart.  well that’s fine. I guess I’d be disappointed if I could just buy you off... I’ll keep trying! Aren’t you tired of this? I’m enjoying the chase ;) hey but if you’re uncomfortable then you have to tell me, okay? it’s not cool if I’m really pushing it... it wouldn’t be fun either Don’t worry. I’ll tell you if you take it too far, but I’m having fun. You’re good entertainment. wow thanks (Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart) well glad you liked the presents.......i gotta get back to work but I’ll talk to you later, OK? <3 giant flowers await me how lucky you are I know right bye goro see you later

 

* * *

 

kissy face  


4:01 PM  
I hope your shoots are going well... I wish you were here right now. I bet you’d know what to say.

 

* * *

 

Ichiei

**Sunday** 8:19 PM

Hi... I’m so sorry, but I think I’m going to have to go back on our plans to meet up. It really was nice to meet you. I’m sorry to disappoint and I wish you all the best. aw... that’s okay, no problem :) you find someone else? It’s... a little complicated. I just think it might not be the best idea to meet up. It wouldn’t be fair to you Sure, I understand Good luck with everything :) You, too... I hope you find someone wonderful. (Smiling Cat Face With Open Mouth )

 

kissy face  


8:31 PM  
Ann... What am I doing...?

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Sunday** 11:11 PM

hey do you think jellyfish have feelings

 

* * *

 

 **Ann Takamaki** updated her  
profile picture.  
7 minutes

  new phone!!! (Mobile Phone )

  
  


**Goro Akechi**  
You are gorgeous... check your DMs

  
**Ann Takamaki**  
 **Goro Akechi** 😡!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

kissy face  
Active now

10:11 AM  
goro. this backlog oh thank GOD you’re back. I can’t leave you alone for one second!!!!!! so????? what have we learned?????????? Fine... You were right about??? I cant be trusted without you around, apparently Good! And?? And...? don’t play dumb you incompetent book bag the BET?????? .................................... I might be in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ann's facebook photos: renee [@rnoonjelly](https://twitter.com/rnoonjelly)  
> ren's motorbike tinder photo: pom [@pinpoms](https://twitter.com/pinpoms)
> 
> and from last chapter:  
> goro's tinder photo: stevie [@soupsleuth](https://twitter.com/soupsleuth)  
> ren's tinder photos: venny [@peonysoda](https://twitter.com/peonysoda)  
> please send them your love! <3
> 
> trivia:
> 
> * there are **five** working links in this chapter.  
> 
> * the fish conversation comes from [chapter 15 of "Justice, Joker"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14972966/chapters/37188695), a drabble series by [shazamitylam](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shazamitylam)  
> 
> * their first chess game lasts three minutes. they play about six games total.  
> 
> * the motorbike photo was taken in odaiba. (thanks pom!) ren made makoto drive him out to take the photo.  
> 
> * ann's phone struggles based on my irl best friend, who dropped one phone in a creek and another under a car in a parking lot.  
> 
> * the friend who set @monamoo is futaba.  
> 
> * the beach story based on an actual experience renee had.  
> 
> * the dog photos were sent to me by a friend during some of MY boring law classes. the difference is that the friend in question was sitting next to me in said class.  
> 
> 
> i'm [@corviiid](https://twitter.com/corviiid) on twitter also! (be good to me im little and trying very hard)


	3. heat riser

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My Anthem**   
>  [When He Sees Me](https://open.spotify.com/user/10774/playlist/6zxzz0YbCvPXagyWhB4WUT?si=J61TR1z0TJKcZWsouKqG5g)   
>  Sara Bareilles
> 
>  
> 
> big thanks to cool friend leed for the beautiful lovely art... full credits in endnotes as always!
> 
> sorry for the wait! shorter than the last (slightly monstrous) chapter but i worked very hard on it... hope it's worth it for you. ;)

kissy face  
Active now

11:47 PM  
ok so first of all stop freaking out I'm not freaking out. Goro. Ann don't make me take screenshots of EVERY FREAKOUT THAT U HAD in the TWO WEEKS I was missing this is a new phone and it would STILL take up ALL MY STORAGE. don't yell at me :( nooo i'm sorryyyyyyyy :( :'( oh stop being a wuss. hey I know what'll calm you down!!!!! let's make lists. I'm being mocked but that does sound nice <3 OK what do we know 1\. You like him :/ grooooo :\ this doesn't work if ur not honest. I suppose it won't work, then. im going to strangle you just say what you mean for ONE time in your life OK. I don't want to do that. Y Ou I meant every word of that ok im leaving no come back :( I'm sorry >:(! ur so stubborn!!! why cant you just admit you really like this guy ann.. are you scared? You know how I feel about relationships. :( goroooo yeah i know I know you don't approve of ur totally dumdum self-hatred thing??? no I don't and have I mentioned its dumdum source ilu and ur gr8[1] [1]me :)<3 i get it goro i do but? i want you to be happy sometimes you have to just take the leap you know maybe the worst thing that can happen is worth the risk if you can find something really good you think some stranger i meet on tinder is that important? it's not about him really he's hot tho. mm. but i just mean i think this is good for you? to, u know, put yourself out there learn to take a risk and stuff i take risks no u send me complicated risk assessment plans and then eventually decide it's not worth it and do nothing. wow. you don't deserve my risk assessment plans i love u and ur risk assessment plans. but nothing will ever happen to u if u don't let it maybe nothing bad but also nothing good this is quite the speech ya i shouldn't be wasting it on telling u to bone a stranger but who knows maybe ull find true love with this guy. or a good fuck which is also nice. god yell that to him ;) I should have made a risk assessment plan before I became your friend  jfc love u too u jerk!!! <3 I don't know ann what don't you know?? most things right now well that's out of character. (Shrug) Happens to the best of us. I don't... know what I want out of this. out of this guy? I'm not sure I hold on. let me gather my thoughts Goro is typing... I don't think I want to pursue this in the way I've been pursuing my other... conquests on this app. wait so do you ACTUALLY want to find true love with him?????? No! I mean not no like NO, but no, that's not what I'm looking for with this. I just god, it's not all or nothing, is it? WELL IM EXAGGERATING FOR EFFECT a relationship is an option goro i already said that is it? for me? :(........... I'm saying I don't want to sleep with him call your bluff I don't mean EVER... get it boii I just mean that's not what I'm out for right now. that's fair then can I sleep with him before you decide to go steady ann like just get in there before it's official you know ann just like test the waters for ya. drop anchor once and speed on outta there motorboat outta there. am i right ladies wzjkvhkjskvjsvdbskvgkbfdbjgkzb oh fine LOL worth a shot! ._. U KNOW IM KIDDING GORO I know! i know I wouldn't begrudge you if you were serious though. <3 u get it like i'm just saying. he is stupid hot he is. i abhor it so what's the problem with this? uh. I don't... know. We have something right now something special? no, not special. Just nice. If I do something about it and we do... you know then I'll either lose touch with him or I'll be keeping in contact with someone I hooked up with, and i just i can't do that ann I know im sorry I know I'm overthinking again noo goro it's okay i wasn't gonna say that haha I really wasn't this is just how you are nd that's fine you're careful theres nothing wrong w that I'm a mess is what I am Sorry. I'm okay. I'll figure it out. It's really not a big deal. it's a big deal if you care about it I think it's a pretty big deal and im here for you okay? always thank you i don't say it enough but Goro is typing... how uncomfortable are u right now very. you see the sacrifices i make for you i appreciate you ann wipes a tear. u should be a poet Hey, I'm trying me TOO im TRYING to undercut the tension for UR COMFORT u bitch you're always there for me, and i'm immeasurably grateful for your support and friendship. thank you love you goroooo will you buy me lunch tomorrow no

 

* * *

 

  Snapchat • now

 **Snapchat**  
from Ren  


 

 

Ren

**Sunday** 4:31 PM

why did you send me this I thought you liked me 😿 :) you’re cute. 🙀!!!!! 😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻😻 alright.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:38 PM  
i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him what??? he sent me a picture of his stupid face i hope he dies honey you need therapy gun i say this with love GUN

 

Ren

**Sunday** 4:38 PM

send me one back?

 

 

 

Ren

**Sunday** 4:45 PM

😾 you let me get my hopes up and everything 🖕 🧐 this isn’t the body part i want to see most besides your face You are so crude what?? i was going to say your HEART ❤️😻😽 Way to make yourself sound like a serial killer... or a cannibal okay yes not the most thought out pickup line i apologize does my humbleness and willingness to accept im wrong make you love me?  see you later ren i’d show you a picture of MY heart right now but it’s in pieces.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:52 PM  
[SCR_401] well DOES it make you love him?? just don’t look at me right now.

 

Ren

**Sunday** 4:59 PM

your cat's tail is gorgeous THANKS FOR FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING HIM

 

* * *

 

Fumiya

**Monday** 7:29 PM

hey there gorgeous 😍 wuu2? Not much :) you? ahaaha just admiring your beautiful face 😜 Haha, you’re too sweet. not as sweet as you 😘 😊 id love to get to know you better xxx Goro is typing... I’m so sorry. You seem lovely, but actually I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m not in the best place right now. I wish you well, truly. wtf then whyd you fucking match me then fucking bitch. what a fucking waste of time ...I’m sorry.  watever lol your fat and ugly anyway

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:12 PM  
I'm in shape, aren't I? yea??? yeah just checking ?????????

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

7:06 AM  
MORNING!!! MWAH 👋 hello my love  Have a good day 💋💋💋

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:15 PM

GUESS: you organize your apps by alphabetical order Nope. dang it by folder and then by alphabetical order Within the folders, or the folders themselves? uhh the second one Nope then the first one! nope oh. well then how By utility. damn it. I was close Haha. How uptight do you think I am? rhetorical... Ren is typing... oh fine. How do you organize yours? This is a really thrilling conversation you’ve sent us on, by the way. ummmmmmm it’s called finding an excuse to talk to you 😒 I’m flattered. wow just tell me you hate me

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:24 PM  
why am I so bad at.....feelings honey I ask myself every day

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:31 PM

Sorry. I didn’t know what to say. ok well prepare to swoon at THIS

 

  Snapchat • now

 **Snapchat**  
from Ren  


 

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:35 PM  
oh my god what??

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:43 PM

hey are you really gonna leave me on read??

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:43 PM  
goro?? Sorry, I’m having a crisis Ann I’m in trouble  constantly yeah but about what... wait

 

 **ren**

  
    


you saved a photo from ren

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:46 PM

😏 so u did like it!!

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:46 PM  
FUCK WHAT???? ARE YOU DYING??? WHAT IS SNAPCHAT’S OBSESSION WITH TELLING THE ENTIRE WORLD WHAT YOU HAVE SAVED AND WHY DID YOU SAVE SOMETHING HE SENT YOU GORO THIS IS SUCH A ROOKIE MISTKAKE I’M SO ASHAMED OF YOU YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS what was it please wait, I’m dying if you send me a picture of his dick I swear to god It is NOT THAT ok good cos when u started freaking out I just assumed the worst.

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 12:52 PM

you can ignore me all you like... I know the truth I charmed you!!! 😸 I saved it to show a friend They wanted to know who the idiot is I’ve been wasting all my time talking to all your time huh? 😼 I didn’t realize I was such an important presence in your life, Goro.

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:55 PM  
im slipping STOP BEING AN IDIOT ALSO SHOW ME THE WHATVEVR HE SENT UOy [IMG_612] srsly I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW IT’S STUPID AND DUMB AND IDIOTIC those r literally just the same word if I find this charming then I’m clearly in more trouble than I thought ok I mean it’s cute... and u ARE pretty... you have to kill me.

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 1:00 PM

hey are you okay?

 

kissy face  
Active now

1:01 PM  
shut the fuck up I didn’t say anything?? that was directed at him then why are you telling ME because I can’t very well say it to him can I?

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 1:02 PM

Yes, sorry, my friend was distracting me Your little app gimmick is cute 😸 worth the effort then how much time did you spend downloading apps? oh like half an hour but I meant taking the screenshot ? Isn’t it just a button? uh yeah normally but my home button is broken so I have to shove a knife under the screen to take screenshots what?? yeah you gotta really wedge it in there Can’t you just use assistive touch? use what

 

kissy face  
Active now

1:06 PM  
I want to cry did he say something nice to you again no he’s just Ann he’s such an idiot what flowers do u want ? at the funeral the funeral for ur taste in men fine. I deserved that.

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 7:02 AM

heyy 😸 I gotta go to work but wanted to say good morning! I hope you have a good day 😸

 

kissy face  
Active now

7:04 AM  
MORNIN BOO GET IT TODAY hi 🤔 u ok?? yes, why? just thinking i told u to get tinder for stress relief but these days u seem even more tense than before. everything ok babe?? Yes, it’s fine Ann is typing... You don’t have to worry about me ❤️ enjoy your day 🤔❤️

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Friday** 5:17 PM

so tell me something if you’re so determined never to agree to a date with me then why not just unmatch me You’ve asked me this already yea but im still curious and you didn’t really answer last time Can’t I just enjoy your company? do you?? If I didn’t, I wouldn’t still be talking to you. then how come you won’t agree to a date 😿 I mean not that you have to you obviously don’t owe me anything Ren is typing... I don’t wanna be one of those guys

 

Tadaaki

**Friday** 5:24 PM

respond hey respond fucker

 

Ren

**Friday** 5:25 PM

Haha. Don’t worry, I’ve fended off enough of those to be fairly certain you aren’t one. well thanks To answer your question, maybe you’re just not my type. oh Ren is typing... Or maybe I’m just stubborn. …oh? But you were right before. before when? When you said I don’t owe you anything. Ren is typing... yeah sorry Don’t be Sorry, that came across rather harsh. no it’s okay you’re right we can call off the bet if you want I don’t want to be pushy It’s fine. I’m having fun. Ren is typing... yeah I’m glad

 

kissy face  
Active now

5:33 PM  
I’m so. Bad. At this. what happened now did u accidentally confess and let him win or did u do that thing where ur just suddenly really mean for no reason and crush his soul Is that really a behavioral pattern for me…? that one huh. ok well he seems pretty easy to please just send him a cute selfie or something I do like taking selfies yea gurl 6:09 PM

no, it feels too cheap. cant get a good angle huh the light in this school is just so bad.

 

* * *

 

Banri

**Saturday** 8:27 AM

u look uptight wanna get high nd fuck Oh, that sounds like fun. But I’ve got plenty high, you know. 😏😏 that so??? Yes. High standards. Get lost.

 

* * *

 

Aika

**Sunday** 3:11 PM

impress me said the blind man to a masterpiece.

 

* * *

 

Saburō

**Tuesday** 10:31 AM

a new experience for u huh?? why dont i show u some new experiences baby 🍆💦👅💦💦💦 why dont u CUM over lol lol lol 😘 I bet I could show you a few things you’ve never seen… oh yeah????? Mm, they’re called dignity and respect, go fuck yourself

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 8:19 PM

hey sorry if I’m being pushy but you seem different lately are you okay? Yes. Ren is typing... okay

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

10:37 PM  
Goro is typing... and he keeps talking about his cat, which should be annoying, but it’s just really endearing and cute, somehow, and I really think I have to die Goro is typing... ok so uve been talking about him for like ten hours now so I have a question yes? so you matched this guy on tinder yes…? and you’ve been talking for a while oh and he’s been trying to get you to go on a date with him for like, ever you can stop, I know where you’re going yeah but im not gonna because I have to spell it out for you otherwise you’ll just implode of denial well, fine and you CLEARLY like him Goro is typing... that wasn’t a question so u can shut up so WHY cant u just say yes and go out with him!!! Goro is typing... is it just bc of the bet?? u cant admit defeat???? Goro is typing... IT’S NEVER A DEFEAT TO GO OUT W A CUTE GUY. A SUPER HOT GUY WITH A CAT AND HE HAS ABS UR IMPOSSIBLE Goro is typing... WHY ARE U SO STUBBORN UGH are you going to keep arguing with yourself or can I get a word in WHAT what if it’s really just a game WHAT? ann please NO I THINK I BROKE THE KEYBOARD IT WONT SWITCH OUT OF CAPS NOW isn’t this a new phone YEAH I DROPPED IT TWICE YESTERDAY WAIT たなひなやぬ what?? What does this say You know I can’t read English very well no I was just switching keyboards so it would stop yelling at u. although I still kinda wanna yell at u. explain urself no you’re going to yell at me Goro I promise if you say nothing I will still yell at you. that’s fair. I’m just worried it’s only a game to him Not out of malice, just… I mean, it’s not like I’ve really been giving him the impression that I like him all that much either At least not in THAT way I couldn’t fault him for seeing this just as a friendly running joke. It’ll get weird if I actually say yes. awwww gorooo Say I agree to go on the date. If it’s just a victory for him, it’ll set the dynamic in any romantic context we enter. It’ll ruin it. It won’t be a date, it’ll just be a prize I mean, what if he just crows the whole time? you’ve kinda got it bad huh No. He’s just someone mildly interesting I met on a hookup app, and I don’t want to humiliate myself making this into something it’s not. Goro is typing... Goro is typing... and it’s likely he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s all. :( i guess ur right waiting for the but but wow <3 so like u have a point and everything but also it’s a dating app like even if it’s a joke rn and he doesn’t feel the same abt u or w/e maybe it’s just bc like I mean like u said u haven’t rly given him the feeling like he has a real chance u no?? mb if u like let him know ur interested and idk give it a chance?? things could b different and i really do think he likes u goro

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 11:01 PM

I put chopsticks in my nose and I look like a walrus I can’t take photos because I’m balancing a lot of spoons on my hands but I thought you should know Siri send message Siri send message fucking Siri send

 

kissy face  
Active now

11:03 PM  
that would be really unfortunate OMG can u stop being sooooooo tragic for one SECOND what if I say something and it ruins everything? ur such a teen dramaaaaaa I mean it’s kind of already ruined What do you mean? I MEAN ur not happy right now rite thats not a real question if u were happy w how it is u wouldnt be pining at me all the time. so like its not like ur ruining some perfect thing why would u settle. u can make it. Better I guess I see your point idk I dunno the guy but it just really doesn’t seem like hes the type to ghost u just for telling him u like him even if he doesnt ur on a DATING APP it kinda sounds like hed just take it as an ego boost. yes, the gloating might be insufferable, though argh grow a pair wow a pair of boobs a pair of pussies bc u need 2 entire pussies to make up for how much of a wimp u are hey did u know balls are really weak and useless. aware. Do you really think I should tell him yes wait no actually because I bet ur drawing up like a fucking liability clause or something right now so yes but I claim no responsibility for etc etc etc should u choose to act on my advice etc etc etc etcjcksdgghdf A liability clause?? I’m really hurt, Ann You’re my best friend and ur hurt bc I pinned u right yeah

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Friday** 6:16 PM

Hey. Can we talk?  ooh. serious. should I be scared Haha. I hope not.

 

kissy face  
Active now

6:18 PM  
💀 U CAN DO IT

 

Ren

**Friday** 6:20 PM

Goro is typing... wait hold on sorry but if this is a fr talk talk is it ok if we do it later? Oh. Sure.

 

kissy face  
Active now

6:21 PM  
[SCR_407] DON’T GET PSYCHED OUT

 

Ren

**Friday** 6:22 PM

Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt? no no you’re fine sorry im down to talk later im just uhh kinda busy at the mo I wanna give you my full attention 😉 and im mid beauty routine right now. Oh, haha. Big event tonight? yeee got a hot date

 

kissy face  
Active now

6:25 PM  
what’s happening!

 

Ren

**Friday** 6:29 PM

Oh, really? I hope you have fun. yeah thanks finally met someone good on this hell app haha. what are the chances right slim to none. Congratulations on beating the odds. Don’t tell me you haven’t matched anyone besides me? oh god no lol ive met up with a bunch of people  no one you liked? oh no they were fine it was different though. just a bit of fun This one’s not like that? Sounds promising. Yeah we’ve been talking for a while. she seems really great I like her a lot Well, I’m glad to hear it 😸 I’m a little nervous actually I’m sure you’ll be fine. I hope you have a lovely time together. thanks I hope so too well wish me luck 😉 I’ll ttyl? Yes… sure. Have a good night, Ren.

 

kissy face  
Active now

6:30 PM  
how’d it go???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ren's lovely selfie: leed [@sichthys](https://twitter.com/sichthys)  
> please send cool friend leed all your love! <3
> 
> trivia:  
> 
> 
> * the "shoving a knife under the screen to take a screenshot because they didn't know assistive touch exists" part is a true story - once again, my best friend irl.  
> 
> * ren's with friends during the chopstick incident but none of them will enable him.  
> 
> * goro's nickname in his messenger chat with ann is "winky face". they match!  
> 
> * that's my actual hand in that picture. very sorry for flipping you all off via goro akechi. promise i love you...
> 
> find me on twitter [@corviiid](https://twitter.com/corviiid)!


	4. burning low

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My Anthem**   
>  [Somebody To You](https://open.spotify.com/user/10774/playlist/6zxzz0YbCvPXagyWhB4WUT?si=J61TR1z0TJKcZWsouKqG5g)   
>  The Vamps
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> huge thank u to renee who is quickly becoming this fic's guardian angel with her beautiful amazing art... thank u also to leed for cat rights. full creds in endnotes
> 
> sorry for the wait! hope it's worth it...!

Ren

**Saturday** 11:47 AM

heyy Hello hru? I’m well, thank you Yourself? I’m good thanks That’s good yeah hey this is kind of awful isn’t it. oh thank god you said it so I didn’t have to. LOL Sorry. wow. dunno how we got so beige Haha, sorry. I’m not exactly helping matters. :) what say we........... drop the stupid small talk Sure. How shall we shed it? uhhhh quick say the first thing that comes to your mind Um Moose decanter what?? You know what, I stand by it Your turn wait It’s supposed to be the first thing that comes to your mind <https://youtu.be/D36JUfE1oYk> yeah it was this I had to find the link Omg hedgehog... ARENT THEY CUTE Yes. I love them. <https://youtu.be/CXVU_JOu0bo> ok I think we’ve broken the ice again I’m so happy. you’re cute :3 Goro is typing... So how was your date yesterday? Since you’re talking to me right now, should I assume the worst? it was good ^^ im glad to hear it yeahh haha sorry baby must be rough for you 😿 given you must have fallen deeply in love with me by now ha ha. sorry to disappoint, ‘darling’. the greatest relief of my life at this moment is that i’m not whichever poor sap hated themself enough to spend the night with you. ouch lol no flirty comeback today? no lewd request? sorry to disappoint love guess im tired strenuous activities ;) spare me the gory details.

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

1:12 PM  
so you're just not gonna tell him now??? No. he went on like one date i srsly doubt they're exclusive or w/e don’t be dumb you still have a chance????? I'm not going to do that. Ann is typing... the fact that he went on a serious date with someone else means he most likely has no interest in me you don't KNOW that No, but the odds aren't in my favor and I don't fancy the risk. I'm not much of a gambler. ugh but you could still just be honest with him what for? for?? the sake of being honest?? what would the point of that be? THE POINT IS HONESTY not everything has to be like a complicated plan goro sometimes it's just good to tell the truth just bcos!!! and u never know maybe he'll wanna be with u!! Goro is typing... it's not a good idea. Like I said, it's a lot of risk for not a lot of return. being in a relationship with me isn't something I should wish for him anyway and especially not in a situation as tumultuous as this, where neither of us can be certain. ohhh my god im gonna scream so what are u gonna call off the bet? .......no, I don't think so. why?? Goro is typing... because then we might stop talking you are such a flaming hot mess they could sell you as cheetos exactly. Would YOU date me? oh in a heartbeat babe you buy me food and im p sure you have my cycle memorized plus i bet ur gr8 in bed. Ha. Now that would be a good gamble.

 

* * *

 

Gentaro

**Sunday** 3:42 PM

if u were a vegetable u wood be a fineapple 😍😍😍

 

* * *

 

Takeru

**Tuesday** 5:36 PM

Hey did you ever realize we never stop tasting our own tongues 😱 bcuz I’d like to taste yours for a change 😏

 

* * *

 

**Messages**

  
**Ren**   
⤺spare me the gory details.   


 

* * *

 

Daichi

**Wednesday** 9:57 AM

hey hot stuff 😻

 

* * *

 

Naoki

**Wednesday** 12:24 PM

hey! :) **Thursday** 2:16 PM

changed your mind? That’s OK! Have a nice day 😊

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Friday** 9:19 PM

How was your day? hey!!! it was good... better now 😸 Someone’s enthusiastic. what can i say, i missed you

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:20 PM  
hey u haven’t talked about ~~the Guy~~ in a couple days hows getting over him

 

Ren

**Friday** 9:24 PM

Sorry, I’ve been busy. I missed you too.

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:24 PM  
it’s good ur talking to him right now huh no aand u messaged him first. Goro is typing...

 

Ren

**Friday** 9:25 PM

how have you been? Alright. My workload is rather heavy, but that’s nothing new. Nothing as exciting as you’ve got going on, I’m sure.

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:26 PM  
I’m just trying to get information out of him about what u make it sound like ur plotting a murder or something murdering him or his date? UR TRYING TO GET INFO ABOUT HIS DATE??? Goro is typing... rolled a 1 on getting over it and tripped over a single grain of sand Stop being a nerd for one second and help me sort through the information u haven’t got any information yet ur too busy being a wreck that’s never stopped me before.

 

Ren

**Friday** 9:26 PM

lol wdym?? Haven’t you been seeing someone? o right yeahh haha she’s great That’s good. I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy. 😸 thanks

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:30 PM  
[SCR_437] Is it just me, or does he not seem particularly invested in this? yea no he’s not into this convo at all but is it b/c hes not into her or bc he doesn’t wanna talk to u about it?? need more data

 

Ren

**Friday** 9:31 PM

I guess it’s going well then?

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:32 PM  
or u could just relax u no chill I have never chilled in my life 2 hot hot damn and nutso he’s not giving me anything to work with hot chocolate w hazelnut and whipped cream WHIPPED cream that’s not what the colloquialism means, and I have no idea what you’re trying to say to me ☕

 

Ren

**Friday** 9:33 PM

yeah it is thanks hey are you free? wanna play poker? Oh, sure.

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:35 PM  
have u been talking to anyone else like at all lately I’ve matched plenty of people, yes So don’t worry. This one doesn’t matter any more than the others do ok well doubt if ur giving up on him why do u care about his date I’m just curious. You know me. no ur snoopy You’re snoopy I AM snoopy! just b careful ok don’t get in too deep ah yes, I, notorious for the heart i wear on my sleeve hey now on the internet no one knows ur a fake bitch please, like I'm limited by medium

 

Ren

**Friday** 11:13 PM

wow I really thought I’ve have you with poker You almost did. One more and you might win. Care to raise the stakes? ok I am not falling for THAT

 

* * *

 

Kaito

**Sunday** 3:27 AM

up for a threesome?

 

* * *

 

Den

**Monday** 8:43 AM

hey there gorgeous :) you look smart, what do you study? 👧

 

* * *

 

  Snapchat • now

**Snapchat**  
from Ren  


 

 

Ren

**Tuesday** 11:21 AM

Cute. thought of u Because it’s cute? yea and it looks super grumpy but it’s so fluffy I just wanna pat its little face maybe it wouldn’t be grumpy if you were capable of treating things with respect. haha yea that’s me...king of fucking up

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:43 PM  
Are you free this week? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. omg YEA theres this new bakery i wanna try and im broke am I actually your friend or am I just your wallet babe!!!!!!!! Cant u be both sorry fr tho ive been sooo busy lately I miss u sm 😢 lets absolutely catch up this week I want to ask about that. It seems like you’re always working, but you never have money. yea????????? Bc I am a dumb bitch that’s fair. <3 and heyy if we see anyone cute ;) I can wingwoman u ;) u know ugh. uve been in such a slump goro!!! u gotta get up n get out there!!! your enthusiasm is exhausting. tell the mortician my cause of death was impalement by too many exclamation marks wouldn’t u rather it be impalement by smth else 😏 never mind. I’m never talking to you again. that s OK gimme ur credit card no tho im free for a bit on friday?? Are u busy then that’s fine ARE u busy?? I’ll make time. It’s just school. 😿 love u

 

* * *

 

Okimoto

**Friday** 1:57 AM

I know this is weird bc Ive never met you but I think Im in love with you.

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 12:46 PM

You haven’t made a guess in a while. oh yeah okay uhh here goes you’re a star wars elitist Elitist about what? OT >>>>>>> PT Well, that goes without saying, but I wouldn’t call myself an elitist. I have doubts about this but go on Goro is typing... the floodgates... they’re open Hey, you shouldn’t ask if you don’t want to hear NO IT’S A GOOD THING please continue idk if I’ve said this but you’re really cute when you’re excited Goro is typing... The prequel trilogy is objectively a terrible set of films in almost every respect, but it definitely held significance with regard to the overall extended universe. The “elitists” who choose to completely disregard it or its value to the canon are arguably the ones who do not know how to appreciate the series, even if the films themselves are laughably bad Having said that, even these films have their merits... if you’re being generous, which I’m prone to do with a series like Star Wars Goro is typing... Um, that’s all. wow. so I was right you’re totally an elitist just not how I thought. Oh, I suppose. that was kinda hot. haha thoughts on the jedi? very fucked up RIGHT id still go light tho hm, foolish when u finally agree to go on that date with me we can marathon star wars plus I wanna get your live takes on the sequel trilogy I feel like it would be enlightening trying to win me over with star wars I see. How underhanded are you sure you want to watch them with me instead of your new belle? I feel she could hardly approve Ren is typing... wait wow did you really just call her a belle Is she not? I mean she is you are just so much a walking sweatervest thanks. Back to the matter at hand, though which would be you attempting to make date plans with me now being inappropriate? oh dw about that I thought it was going well it is I mean really well and stuff Sounds like there’s a ‘but’. do you want there to be? Goro is typing... I hope you’re not accusing me of homewrecking. Haha. ofc not just not really sure what you’re getting at here Nothing in particular. Just making conversation. okay **Wednesday** 1:31 PM

hey I gotta go to work but it was nice talking Yes, thank you. Have a good time at work. thanks

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

3:14 PM  
so 👀 assuming you haven’t confessed to catman yet which u haven’t bc ur crazy repressed hello and I’m doing quite well today thank you how are you I may have shown ur picture to my hot mean co-worker and she thinks ur cute so how bout it stud no thank you ok good my turn haha. I can’t believe you waited to get my sloppy seconds. Truly, this is friendship mmhmm I even luv u more than I luv hot girls that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me literally it does not get better than that!! OK BYE mika time go get em tiger

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Sunday** 7:32 PM

I have a guess for you. yeah?? Lemme hear it Your glasses are cosmetic. oh? before I confirm or deny. May I take this to mean u have been staring at my photos 😜 Goro is typing... ok ok calm down HAHA im just teasing urs are too right? The pretty gold ones you think they’re pretty? 😊 I think UR pretty! 😺 😘 two of a kind we are, it seems soulmates. mfeo 😻 im out getting sushi rn and thinking of u sushi reminds you of me? only bc u could be here with me 😿 getting sushi together 😿😿 on a date 😿😿😿 I don’t think your girlfriend would be too happy with that. she’s not my gf a troublingly glib attitude nonetheless, if I may say so hey we’re not exclusive, we’re not even serious we’ve talked about this we’re on the same page no need to make me feel bad about it... sorry. I’m only teasing. I don’t mean to imply infidelity. yea it’s OK as long as u know im not that kind of person. of course. I hope you enjoy your sushi. ty

 

* * *

 

Norio

**Tuesday** 8:12 PM

are u gonna fukn message me or not weirdo? why did u even match me?

 

* * *

 

**ren**

  
    
  thought of u

 **me**

  because I'm prickly? Clever.  
  Surely you have better things to do  
  than send me thinly veiled plant barbs,  
  of all things.

 

  Snapchat • now

Ren is typing...  


 

**ren**

  yeah ok

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

6:47 PM  
hey BINT good evening my dear guess who has a DAAAAAAAAAAAAATE couldn't be you??? YES GIRL mika said yes?? YES GIRLLLL well actually we're just working overtime tomorrow Hm. Romantic date. AND GETTING DINNER AFTER oh! romantic date!! WELL IDK idk it's just a bit of fun u know 👀 u should learn from my Example good luck... you won't need it of course for anyone else "be yourself" would be trite advice but for you it's all you need. omg shut up i love u sm wtf

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Friday** 2:21 PM

Goro? yes? you free right now? ...yes? ok just checking bc u haven’t seen my snaps for a few hours Goro is typing... not that you have to check my snaps I just didn’t want to interrupt if you’re busy sorry Ren, calm down. I didn’t see the notifications from Snapchat. I’m sorry if I made you worry. no!! sorry i uhh I’m gonna stop apologizing so we can get out of this loop? Haha. Good idea. Is something the matter? no nothing okay well the other night you said you wanted to talk but I was busy yes, with your date Ren is typing... yeah sorry I put it off if it was important no, it was nothing see that’s the thing it kind of sounded like you actually wanted to talk about something but I’ve been waiting for you to bring it back up and you haven’t I didn’t want to push it in case, you know, whatever and it’s not really up to me but I want to know. Is something wrong? Have you been thinking about this? kind of constantly yeah Sorry I worried you. Again ur good im putting a temporary ban on apologizing in this conversation jfc 😺 You have nothing to worry about. I thought it over myself and it’s not worth bringing up that is terrifying no it’s not it is bc whatever it was clearly involved me and now I just have to live in mystery Goro is typing... Initially it did involve you, but after some reflection, I figured it out, and I changed my mind. It is now none of your business. You have nothing to worry about and can set your mind at ease. Goro, the moment you asked if we could talk, you made it my business. you can’t expect me to just let this go without a word. if you don’t want to talk anymore then fine but at least tell me what it was about and what made you want to talk and why you apparently haven’t wanted to since sorry? that wasn’t an apology. It was a request for clarification yeah I got it just I know the bet was my idea but I’m kind of starting to hate it. Is that the only reason you’re still talking to me? What? No, of course not. That doesn’t even make sense. You’re the one who stands to gain from continued conversation. If I were to cease speaking with you I’d almost win by default. Great. very reassuring. What’s going on with you? with me?? Goro you’ve been talking to me like im a burden and an idiot for weeks now. If you don’t like me you should just tell me I never said that. do you ever actually say anything kind of thought I was supposed to just guess what you’re thinking from your cryptic mood swings

 

kissy face  
Active now

2:36 PM  
i knew this would happen oh no what’s going on?

 

Ren

**Friday** 2:40 PM

I’m sorry. Truly. what are you sorry for? Goro is typing...

 

kissy face  
Active now

2:48 PM  
I knew from the start this was a bad idea why did I think I could do this what’s going on goro just tell me what you’re thinking sorry no you’re doing that thing where ur clearly wallowing in self hate but wont tell me what you’re thinking because I know what you’re going to say wow im being replaced by the annbot in your b rain <3 I could never replace you. OK JERK I LOVE U TOO JUST TELL ME WHAT’S HAPPNING

 

Ren

**Friday** 2:58 PM

Goro? Sorry. no more apologizing I have to. It's not fair to you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you in the first place. that’s a cop out and you know it. It’s not your responsibility to manage my shortcomings. I’m aware of them and should have accounted for them. you’re saying you never should have talked to me bc what you’re just an evil person?? stop being a coward Maybe we should have this conversation later. Once we’ve cooled off. Ren is typing... you’re right, but is there gonna be a later or have you already mentally decided we’re done? that’s not fair are we doing fair again? Ren is typing... no, you’re right, I’m sorry I’m being a crab 🦀 🙂 you have every right to be I just want to know where we stand. you don’t have to go on a date with me. We can call it off. I don’t care about that. but I don’t want to keep talking to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me.

 

kissy face  
Active now

3:03 PM  
I feel like I’m about to explode why can’t I say what I mean to why don’t u?? I can’t Ann is typing... no, you don’t understand, I physically can’t, it’s like there’s a block between my brain and my mouth fingers, whatever it just doesn’t work it is so tiring to listen to u it is so tiring to be me

 

Ren

**Friday** 3:12 PM

Don’t overthink it. Sorry to present such a burden. don’t do this again Sorry, I actually have to go. I have work due soon. you’re really just going to leave? Now? I said we should cool off. This is a conversation we should have later, if you still want to. did it ever occur to you I wouldn’t have bothered to ask if I didn’t care? Goro is typing... I really should be going. In the meantime I’m sure you’ll have more fun talking to people you actually meant to match. what? wait, is that what this is about? Ren is typing... Sorry. that was uncalled for. You know, I actually do like talking to you, Goro. A lot. **Friday** 4:00 PM

well. good luck with everything, I guess. thanks for talking to me.

 

kissy face  
Active now

3:34 PM  
Goro... im kinda getting worried about u 4:07 PM

sorry im fine you don’t have to keep saying that it’s just some idiot I met on tinder, ann. It’s really not a big deal. I’m blowing it out of proportion. it’ll pass. there is clearly more going on in ur head than just this one guy goro be honest with urself if not w/ me or him and no it wont. Not by itself. you gotta like actually try to move past it yourself you mean move on? yeah u know like the plan from the start was just casual remember it’ll be good for u u gotta work on taking things a little less seriously anyway just like in general and maybe itll help u get over this, if that’s what u want is that what u want? Goro is typing...

 

Ren

**Friday** 4:20 PM

I really like talking to you too.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:25 PM  
don’t get too caught up babe it’s ok to keep moving

 

Ren

**Friday** 4:20 PM

Ren is typing...

 

* * *

 

**Messages**

  
 **Ren**  
⤺I really like talking to you too.  


 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:47 PM  
Yes, you’re right.

 

* * *

 

  
  
**Yusuke,** 20  
6 km away

In pursuit of beauty.

 

  
  
**Yusuke,** 20  
6 km away

In pursuit of beauty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yusuke's profile pictures (also ann's messenger pic): renee [@rnoonjelly](https://twitter.com/rnoonjelly)  
> cat: panko (from leed [@sichthys](https://twitter.com/sichthys))  
> please send my friends lots of love... they deserve the world
> 
> trivia:  
> 
> 
> * the cactus is mine  
> 
> * yusuke's appearance was hinted at, if you care to hunt - if you find it then you'll find some other hints :^)  
> 
> * ren usually is better at poker than goro
> 
> i'll prob be talking more about this on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/corviiid) if u care to come say hi... stick around... have some tea (ily thanks for reading hope u enjoyed)


	5. flying sparks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My Anthem**   
>  [Talk Too Much](https://open.spotify.com/user/10774/playlist/6zxzz0YbCvPXagyWhB4WUT?si=J61TR1z0TJKcZWsouKqG5g)   
>  COIN
> 
> thank you to HiNA for chapter art!! links in endnotes but you are an absolute champion and a powerhouse.
> 
> this one is super long and definitely has been the most challenging to code since the first because of all the miscellaneous... little bits and pieces in it that required a bunch of extra work ;; so i really, really REALLY hope you like it because then it'll be worth it!!!
> 
> (shoutout to bagel [@nonnecheri](https://twitter.com/nonnecheri/), [nafnaf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nafnaf) on ao3, happy birthday!!! <3)

Yusuke

**Sunday** 12:13 PM

I’ll be at the cafe all afternoon, so meet me at your leisure. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was making you wait. Did we not agree on 1PM? We did. Please don’t worry. I merely enjoy the atmosphere. And the free biscuits. Goro is typing... I’ll be there soon, then.

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

1:01 PM  
hey 1:57 PM

HEY 2:41 PM

**You missed a call from kissy face.**  
↩ 2:41 pm  
 **call back** GORO MANFRED AKECHI manfred. THERE YOU FUCKING ARE goro VELMA ANNE akechi where have you been out >:( you’re grounded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what took you so long!!! How was your date!!!!!!!! u gotta tell me these things!!!!!!!!!!! How was I supposed to tell you how it was when I was still on it? YOU WENT OUT??? HOURS AGO?????? IT WAS JUST COFFEE HOW LONG WERE U OUT WITH THIS GUY ok not that I can blame you he is literally the most beautiful being in existence I think you ever just wish you were a lobster shall I wait for you to finish being weird about the man I just went on a date with hold ME lobster man. hold me in your strong artist hands ok im done. so it went well?????????????????????? ur recovered from cat man????????????????? Super hot art guy got him out of ur system?????????????????? Goro is typing... Funny story. oh no Goro is typing... Goro is typing... I’ll just call and tell you about it, shall I? YES!!!!!!!

 

_Ringing..._  
---  
**Goro:** |  Hello?  
**Ann:** |  [crackling] FUCKER!  
**Goro:** |  [laughing] I always forget how much respect you treat me with. On a daily basis.  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] Oh my god. Stop saying these—the, stop saying the fucking—words—  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] Oh, stop saying the words—  
**Ann:** |  —the, when you’re stalling you say so much dumb shit. What—how was the date?  
**Goro:** |  The date?  
**Ann:** |  I will murder you with my own hands and this croissant I’m holding.  
**Goro:** |  It was nice. Eat your croissant. I—it was very nice, I had a nice time.  
**Ann:** |  [muffled] Yeah?  
**Goro:** |  Yes, it was very nice. I bought him lunch.  
**Ann:** |  Lunch? I thought you were just doing coffee.  
**Goro:** |  Plans change.  
**Ann:** |  Ooh, that good, huh?  
**Goro:** |  We talked for a long time. Oh, and it wasn’t a date.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  It wasn’t a—  
**Goro:** |  It wasn’t a date.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  It wasn’t a—what the hell does that mean, it wasn’t a date?  
**Goro:** |  I’m not sure what’s tripping you up—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] How was it not a date? He asked you out—  
**Goro:** |  You know, I’m not sure that’s true—  
**Ann:** |  Stop being cryptic and explain.  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] —we agreed to go for a drink but—  
**Ann:** |  Yeah, that’s a date, you went on a date!  
**Goro:** |  No, it wasn’t, though—in no uncertain terms—it was absolutely not a date. This man does not want to date me.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  [crackling] FUCKING EXPLAIN—  
**Goro:** |  [laughing]  
**Ann:** |  —YOU JUST KEEP DOING THIS, SAYING WORDS—  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] Oh, god, am I saying words again—?  
**Ann:** |  —AND JUST [crackling] NOT EXPLAINING WHAT YOU—oh my god. Oh my god. How was it not a date. You went out for lunch and he’s hot.  
**Goro:** |  Is that what a date is? How many successful dates have you been on?  
**Ann:** |  LITERALLY millions.  
**Goro:** |  [laughing] Okay. No, it wasn’t a date. He wanted to talk about—um, he wanted to talk about a friend of his.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  He wanted to talk—he asked you out to talk about a friend? [inaudible] hot ones always weirdos...  
**Goro:** |  [laughing] The friend was one Amamiya Ren, if that clears anything up.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  WHAT?  
**Goro:** |  And, it seems—it was quite touching, actually—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] It was REN? Wait, shut up, go back—  
**Goro:** |  Yes, it was Ren. That Ren. From Tinder. If we could move on—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] Ren, Ren like the guy you’ve been—cat man?  
**Goro:** |  We don’t know that many Rens, this level of specificity isn’t really necessary, so if we could move on now—  
**Ann:** |  They’re FRIENDS? The Ren you’ve been nonstop mooning about?  
**Goro:** |  —he seemed quite concerned about—I don’t MOON, thank you—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] Bullshit you don’t—  
**Goro:** |  —HE SEEMED quite concerned for Ren, as a friend, it was quite touching—and I think—well, you’d be interested to hear what he had to say, I think.  
[pause]  
**Goro:** |  Assuming, of course, that you’re interested in my love life, which—well, of course I don’t want to make assumptions—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] You are such [inaudible] the fucking worst.  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] —I don’t know, do you want to hear about it—?  
**Ann:** |  [crackling] JUST TELL ME! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!  
**Goro:** |  [laughing]  
**Ann:** |  TELL ME! TELL ME EVERYTHING! WHAT THE HELL—  
**Goro:** |  [laughing] Hold your horses.  
**Ann:** |  Who still says “hold your horses”? Tell me what he said, you dictionary—ass—fucker—  
**Goro:** |  I’ve always admired your eloquence.  
**Ann:** |  I am going to BREAK into your HOUSE and eat your ENTIRE wardrobe.  
**Goro:** |  Well. It would, ah...  
[pause]  
**Goro:** |  It would appear that Amamiya Ren returns my—ah, that he returns my... erm, sentiments. He shares the same sentiments. Mine, that is.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  So...  
**Goro:** |  If Kitagawa is to be believed.  
**Ann:** |  So... He likes you back?  
[pause]  
**Goro:** |  It would seem so.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  Didn’t. I. FUCKING tell you—  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] Mm, watch your fucking language, would you—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] —told you he did, I fucking SAID it, it was obvious, you don’t have eyes—  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] —the damage you are currently doing to my delicate virginal ears—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] —obvious he likes you, oh shut the FUCK up—  
**Goro:** |  [laughing]  
**Ann:** |  —and you just wouldn’t listen to me. Your life would be so much easier if you just listened to me!  
**Goro:** |  [laughing] It actually would, yes. Sorry.  
**Ann:** |  YEAH it would, and—oh, wait, did you say yeah?  
**Goro:** |  Yeah.  
**Ann:** |  Oh, sorry. I didn’t hear you.  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] It’s okay, the connection isn’t very good—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] I can’t hear you over all the bullshit you’re spouting all the time.  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] —have to check my service provider—oh [laughing] shut up, you can shut up.  
**Ann:** |  No, YOU can shut up! I’m the one who was right! What else did he say?  
**Goro:** |  Kitagawa?  
**Ann:** |  Obviously! Hot artist man, what did he say? If this was all just some—if this was some stupid overcomplicated plot, I can’t believe—hey, wait, does that mean he’s single? Does he like girls?  
**Goro:** |  I didn’t ask.  
**Ann:** |  You only think about yourself!  
**Goro:** |  Correct. I’ll ask him next time for you.  
**Ann:** |  [sniffing] Thought you only thought about yourself.  
**Goro:** |  Oh, but you are a part of me, Takamaki Ann.  
**Ann:** |  [laughing] Oh shut up, you shit—  
**Goro:** |  [laughing]  
**Ann:** |  So—wait, so—this guy Kitagawa, he didn’t want to hit on you?  
**Goro:** |  No, not remotely.  
**Ann:** |  He wasn’t interested in you?  
**Goro:** |  Not so far as I could tell, no.  
**Ann:** |  Aren’t you like, offended?  
**Goro:** |  Offended? That he doesn’t want to hit on me?  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] That he didn’t want to—yeah. Yeah, aren’t you?  
**Goro:** |  Am I the type to be?  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  I’m not dignifying that with a response.  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] Never mind. Yeah, never mind. Yes, I was. I am. A bit.  
[pause]  
**Ann:** |  And?  
**Goro:** |  [laughing] He’s still alive.  
**Ann:** |  [laughing] I wasn’t worried until—  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] Honestly, I’ve been having such a weird few weeks—I don’t want to say I’m—I mean, I think I’m a bit manic.  
**Ann:** |  A bit.  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] About all this, right now. It’s so much and so—it’s all so stupid I think I’m just going to lie down.  
**Ann:** |  So what did he—what did he say? What did he want?  
[pause]  
**Goro:** |  He told me—not in as many words, but he told me to... get my shit together, I suppose.  
**Ann:** |  [sighs] He’s so wise.  
**Goro:** |  Hey...  
**Ann:** |  That’s literally ALWAYS good advice when it comes to you.  
**Goro:** |  I’m beginning to think you’re not on my side, Ann.  
**Ann:** |  [crackling] I’m gonna smack your flat ass with a broom.  
**Goro:** |  [laughing]  
**Ann:** |  A frying pan. I will hit you—  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] That’s assault, I’ll sue—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] —hit you so hard your brain cells reboot. I’ll go to jail.  
**Goro:** |  For me.  
**Ann:** |  For your SAKE. I’d go to jail.  
**Goro:** |  I’m touched.  
**Ann:** |  [inaudible] Oh, shit. I gotta go.  
**Goro:** |  [overlapping] Now? You don’t want to keep prying into my sordid love affairs—  
**Ann:** |  [overlapping] —gotta go. I DO, OF COURSE I DO! I ALWAYS—I’m at work, though, I’m on break—I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later—  
**Goro:** |  You’re—you didn’t tell me you were at—you’ve been texting me all morning.  
**Ann:** |  I gotta go! Tell me later! Everything! Tell me all of it later! I love you!  
**Goro:** |  B—  
[END LOG]  
  
 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

1:13 AM  
OKAY I’M OFF WORK AND FREE FOR THE DAY PLAY BY PLAY IMMEDIATELY What if I’m busy? then UN-busy for you only do not sweet talk me mister ill tell u I love u after u finish filling me in on ur UN-DATE do you actually know how this prefix works Ann is typing... okay, okay, don’t blow up grab a drink

 

  Snapchat • now

**Snapchat**  
from Ann  


 

kissy face  
Active now

1:17 AM  
On a Monday? You are bad. im a wine mom in training I want to love you. Don’t make it so hard. tell me about the not date!!! Goro is typing... I took him to a cafe in the city. It’s one of my favorites, but he wasted no time telling me it would certainly not live up to HIS favorite cafe, but that we couldn’t go to that one, which I would later find out was because Amamiya Ren works there part time ooh we are in passive aggressive storytime mode Goro is typing... do you have to call me passive aggressive every time I do something? idk do u have to be passive aggressive every time u do something? Goro is typing... I offered to buy him lunch, which as it turns out was a good call, because he had brought no money. I was slightly miffed by this at first because I thought he was being entitled, but it turns out he just has no money omg noo bby but he seemed surprised when I offered to pay? I don’t know what his plan was. Just not eat, maybe? his pic DOES look rlly skinny...I hope u bought him a banquet Coffee, lunch, dessert I think u should actually ditch catman. and sugar for me instead as if I don’t already fund your crepe addiction. oh tru tru tru ily begrudgingly ily too I bought him lunch, attempted conversation, and then he said “I believe you are acquainted with my friend, Amamiya Ren,” and we went from there. he let u buy him lunch first??? mad respect to be honest, I don’t think he was thinking about that at all we stan a ditz I thought you were going after Mika. oh yea nah nothing came outta that we just had some fun “fun” Goro Akechi I Am A Professional And She Is My Workplace Colleague stop using capital letters at me. who are you and what have you done with my best friend awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww can I just get you to do anything if I call you my best friend? prob bury a body for me ok I didn’t even say it yet always down 2 bury a body what happened next w artist man You know their names. I don’t know why you need to use epithets. bc? im a literary woman ~**~The Raven Haired Cat Man And His Bluenette Artist Friend~**~ i’m coming to slit your throat at this moment ok! what happened next I already told you. He told me he was a friend of Ren’s, asked me where I stood on the matter, and instructed me in no uncertain terms to “stop stringing him along”. wow. harsh. we will be married in the spring ok so w8 has ren been mooning over u just as much as ur mooning over him I don’t know. Kitagawa seems to think so. I’m not sure how trustworthy his account is. this is like sweet but also rlly sad two idiots, both alike in dignity (none) oh shut up in fair Tokyo where we lay our scene from ancient dumb to new dumber where zero brain cells make friends interfere a bunch because your stupidity is bursting our blood vessels are you done mutilating Shakespeare eh he’s dead he wont care no but srsly this is like romcom level miscommunication u fuckng doofus idiot IF Kitagawa is telling the truth. commence operation: spy on Amamiya and find out if he’s in love No uncommence. I’ll press Kitagawa for further details, I suppose. ok but like hmm what how snoopy did this guy seem bc he just does not look like the gossipy type you’re correct, he doesn’t seem that way good @ reading emotions? um. Maybe? Sort of? Didn’t pick up on deliberate hints, did pick up on other hidden and implicit things. Good observation skills, extending to emotions and the like, but a bit oblivious to actual social cues. From what I could tell. cool cos what im saying is like how BAD must the situation be that this guy who is not the interfering type according to ur kid detective shtick felt like he actually had to come corner you, personally, with his hot artist body Good point. like I, ann takamaki, am ur interfering bestie that is my role in life my one true calling and i love you for it, strangely, although I would beg you to pay more attention to your actual career but not every friend? does that? so like...calling an intervention THIS big is like, whoa. you know? like........Whoa. like idk these peeps but it sounds to me like ren amamiya’s got it pretty bad for you Goro is typing... how flustered are u right now not, shu tup soooooooooooo but what about his girlfriend? u mean the girl he repeatedly said is not his girlfriend and never wants to talk about with u ever What, you think he made her up? no i think shes real but like she really probably was just a date u know like uve met up w other ppl he said she was different on tinder that could mean literally anything. like it could just mean she knows how to spell. Ha, okay, well. Fair point. keep probing kitagawa i guess if ur not ready to make a move which ur not bc i already feel the risk analysis plan forming in space you always bully me. why do I put up with this? bc u luurrrve me mwah mwah and you’re the only one who tolerates me ahuh that too <3 thanks. ur welcome uur lovelife is so disastrous it almost distracts me from the Horrors of the World glad to be of service. 

 

* * *

 

Yusuke

**Monday** 9:47 AM

Frankly, it’s shameful that you agreed to go out with me. Oh, hello! Thank you! I had a lovely time too. 😊 What are you doing accepting propositions from others besides Ren? for crying out loud, it’s a DATING APP. You’re within your rights... but it’s foolish to do so when you clearly have feelings for him. I hope you’re not usually in the business of being so self-destructive. I’d like better for him as his friend, though I suppose I can’t account for his taste. Really? I won’t be lectured by you. He’s been going on plenty of dates with other people. How can you say he likes me so much when that’s the case? I find that rather hypocritical. Ren is coping. Maybe I’m coping! Then cope better. Your plan hinged on me accepting your invitation and now you have the gall to shame me for it? It’s shameful that you accepted it, yes. however, there was never any doubt in my mind that you would do so. And why’s that? Please. Whatever else I may have to say about you, it’s clear you have a modicum of taste.

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:55 AM  
[SCR_464] he has a point. like how hot do u have to be to not even have ur gorgeous face be ur first pic and STILL know u can get it and like he could get it. you’re not helping im helping plenty!!! I downloaded a wolf whistle app he’s incredibly arrogant no girl UR arrogant he just has a mirror and eyes honestly if it wasn’t for fluffy cat man this guy would probably be good for u but as it is, hook a gal up. What’s his number All right. Tell me when I can talk to my best friend again and not her sky high libido ok i will let that slide but ONLY because u called me ur best friend again and that’s still cute!!!

 

Yusuke

**Monday** 9:57 AM

You do know I only matched you because I was intrigued by your lobster photo. I would understand this, of course. Many feel they have not experienced true beauty until they have met Goemon.

 

kissy face  
Active now

9:59 AM  
his lobster’s name is Goemon 😍 You’re swooning about a lobster? Do you even know who Goemon is? yes? my future lobster in law? ok im family oriented and looking for love plz tell him <https://www.africanbites.com/lobster-thermidor/> 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 GORO

 

Yusuke

**Monday** 10:00 AM

You “would” understand? Yes. But you are lying.

 

kissy face  
Active now

10:00 AM  
[SCR_468] yeah ur totally lying. why aren’t you on my side. You are the worst best friend you!! cooked!! my!! son!!! ann i would NEVER do that 😢 obviously I would hire a professional chef 😱😭😡 he deserves the best.  u know maybe it’s the ghost of school coming back to haunt me but i cant help but feel like there’s something slightly fucked about boiling a lobster named goemon cant put my finger on it great. well when you’re done dwelling on your wasted education can we return to talking about me ill have u know i got an A+ in “how to tell goro he’s being a bitch” demonstrate ur being a bitch B-. put more heart into it

 

Yusuke

**Monday** 10:00 AM

However, I will leave it there. I am glad that you matched me, obviously. I wouldn’t have had a chance to speak with you otherwise. Could you not have just found me on facebook? How did you know you’d even find me on here I did have to go through an unfortunate stack of individuals in order to find you. But, I thought it would be best. Since it all began on this app, I thought it fitting to confront you here. well. You certainly made an impression. :-)

 

kissy face  
Active now

10:10 AM  
[](https://i.imgur.com/aVpYi4v.gif)  
A-, some improvement I hate u a lot! muah.

 

Yusuke

**Monday** 10:12 AM

I’ll add you on Messenger. I’d like to delete this application as soon as possible. I don’t blame you, but won’t Ren see it if we become friends on Facebook? Surely he would question such a thing. Ren doesn’t use Facebook, just Messenger. He says it’s a hellhole of capitalist spies. Goro is typing... Well, he’s not wrong. Our other friend refers to the creator exclusively as Mark Cuckerberg. Friend request sent.

 

Yusuke  
Active now

10:17 AM  
Your feed is regrettable. What’s wrong with me now? There’s no variety. It’s just your face and a lot of mindless gushing. You don’t think I have a nice face? I suppose. What’s that supposed to mean? You are handsome, of course, just somewhat vapid. I don’t feel the things you choose to share are particularly enriching. You could do with finding something of substance to post about if you’re going to post so often. Goro is typing... just unfollow me then Have I said something wrong?

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:14 PM  
[](https://i.imgur.com/oIWYSEj.png)  
OMG IS THIS THE GUY?????????? yes ok that’s the passive aggressive Yes of disapproval which means hes pissed you off somehow and usually i would be on your side. however did you just add him?? my first duty is to The Heart “heart” he’s just really beautiful it’s not my fault.

 

Yusuke  
Active now

12:16 PM  
Is Ann Takamaki a friend of yours?

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:17 PM  
oh for christ’s sake what now

 

Yusuke  
Active now

12:18 PM  
Yes, she is.

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:20 PM  
OMG WAIT HE ADDED ME BACK congratulations.

 

Yusuke  
Active now

12:20 PM  
You two aren’t together, are you? I’m beginning to tire of all these accusations. No, I’m not being unfaithful to your dear friend Ren Amamiya, with whom I am NOT in an exclusive relationship, or in fact ANY relationship, by dating or being romantically interested in my best friend or in you, for that matter, so stop flattering yourself. I just wanted to ask about your fucking lobster. Goro is typing... I apologize for my language. It’s been a long and tiring few days. In that case, I’ll leave aside my reservations about your character, despite that little outburst. I only wanted to confirm who Ann Takamaki was. She’s beautiful. Yes she is Do you think she would agree to model for me? She models professionally, so you’ll probably have to get in touch with her agent. I meant for art. No clothing. Oh, I see. Yusuke is typing... Hold on. Was that a typo? Was what a typo? Oh. Oh. I see. Well, I’ll ask her for you. Thank you.

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:26 PM  
well. the good news is he will probably want you to get naked he WHAT only if you want to, that is. if I want to WHAT ill explain after ive come to terms with suddenly becoming your middleman, for some reason. u will explain NOW and that’s wingman*** thx i doubt you need one, as it stands wants you to model for an art piece or some fucking thing like that feels like ur not in a gr8 mood right now. Goro is typing... Sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. it’s ok I luv u and I knew u were a grumpypants nightmare when I decided 2 become ur friend [SCR_470] He thinks you’re beautiful, so he obviously has eyes, even if he won’t use them on ME. WOOWOhHHHh tell him 2 message me u ok tho?? Fine, sorry. I’m a little crabby. You are still wonderful as always ill make it up to you later, I promise. feel better... love you 🖤

 

Yusuke  
Active now

12:30 PM  
She says to message her. Wonderful! Thank you. yw

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

12:38 PM  
hey wait what did u mean by naked 🎨 Goro????????????????????

 

* * *

 

Yusuke  
Active now

11:31 AM  
Have you spoken with Ren yet? No. Stop interfering. Why are you hounding ME instead of him? Trust me, our other friends have that more than handled. You should count yourself lucky you are not the centre of their assault. I am considerably gentler. What if I don’t want to speak with him anymore? Is that the case? It would be none of your business if it was so it’s not? Like I said, none of your business. Please leave it alone. I really don’t appreciate having my private affairs being fiddled with like this. I apologize for being pushy. This is your business, of course. I hope you understand, however. As Ren’s friend it would concern me if your attentions were ill-meant, that’s all. He’s been unhappy. I hate to see him suffer. Goro is typing... Yes It’s nice of you to look out for him If it helps you in your decision, you should know he talks more to and about you much more than he usually does. he doesn’t seem the quiet type not as much around you, it would seem. Goro is typing... Just food for thought. Get some real food instead. You eat like a starving man. It was kind of you to buy me lunch. Goro is typing... don’t mention it

 

* * *

 

anntakoyaki **794 likes**  
**anntakoyaki** finally hit #yongermain after legit YEARS of @goroakechi hounding me to go!!! it was sooo good 😍😍😍 but everything tastes sweeter when ur bff pays for u!!! 😏😏😏  View all 97 comments 1 hour ago

 

**goroakechi** One day I’ll leave you, and then where will you be?

  
**anntakoyaki** @goroakechi rifling thru ur things to find ur wallet

  
**inari_inarty** @goroakechi Beautiful. Just beautiful.

  
**goroakechi** @inari_inarty Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you to say.

  
**inari_inarty** @goroakechi I meant Ann. Did I tag the wrong person? I don’t know how to use this interface.

  


 

kissy face  
Active now

5:12 PM  
Since when is kitagawa following you on Instagram oh weve been talking a bunch lately!!! he’s sooo cool ty for the intro!!! <3 Goro is typing... you’re welcome.

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

3:14 PM  
Hey, Ann. Goro is typing... I’ve been thinking. You do KNOW that you’re my best friend, right? It’s kind of been worrying me that you get so overwhelmed by my saying so. I know I’m not the most emotionally available person but you really do mean a lot to me, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. Thank you for always being there for me. I promise I’ll return the favour whenever you need me. Let’s go out again soon, okay? I’m glad we got to spend some time together last weekend. I love you. I hope you’re having a good day. 5:02 PM

goro what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 DID U SENTD THIS ON PURPOSE WHEN U KNEW I WAS AT WORKG u bitccH im crying NOW UR NOT EVEN LOOKING AT UR ugh well i luv u so mucH A LOT u wet sock piece of fukc

 

* * *

 

Yusuke  
Active now

11:24 AM  
I saw a snail today. what [](https://i.imgur.com/BwE1AUf.png)  
is this where we are in our relationship? I thought you only befriended me to preach about your dear friend Ren Amamiya. Oh. That is a lovely snail. I thought I would share it with you. thank you

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Monday** 4:34 PM

hey **Monday** 5:12 PM

Ren, hi. Sorry, I didn’t see your message.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:34 PM  
[SCR_473] omg he msged!!!!!!!1 just respond don’t play it cool thts lame did u respond?? 5:12 PM

Yes I h8 u so much

 

Ren

**Monday** 5:14 PM

How are you? ok...reading formal tone? Goro is typing... no, sorry... I’m just not sure how to act. Goro is typing... Before we say anything else, I want to take this opportunity to apologize. I’m sorry about what I said to you last time. it’s okay. No, don’t say that so easily. I was out of line, yet again. I’m truly sorry. Thank you for your patience. It means a lot. Ren is typing... it’s really okay, I mean it. i got mad too. you had every right to be frustrated. ha, well. you’re really good at sending mixed signals. one of my talents, im afraid. but im working on it. :) I’m still sorry. Shouldn’t have snapped at you. I lost my cool, I guess. doesn’t happen much. Bit embarrassing. it’s alright. If anything, I more than understand that. sometimes it’s what I need to pull me out of my own head, anyway seems like there’s a lot bouncing around in that ol noggin of yours Haha. Always. so... can we move past all this now...? absolutely yes we can :) Ren is typing... I don’t want to just leave everything up in the air though. do you still want to talk about whatever it was? Goro is typing... I promise I’m not just trying to sweep it under the rug again, but sorry... I’m... not sure just yet. Ren is typing... I AM sure, though, that I’d like to keep talking to you. If you want to. Sorry, I should have asked first. I don’t want to pressure you into talking if you don’t want to talk to me that is Goro is typing... goro goro relax calm dowowown I am extremely relaxed and always am 😸 sorry hey quit apologizing again take your time with the other thing whatever it is I’ll just, you know, sit here in terror for the duration haha. petrified :) I promise it’s nothing so ominous. Scout’s honor. were u ever a scout Nope. then that’s WORTHLESS 😸 I’m glad you want to keep talking though I really do like you talking to you I mean really like talking to you 😓 Haha. At least I’m not the only one with my foot in my mouth. 🦶 cant talk eating foot You’re awfully chatty, you know. I guess people don’t usually say that about me no? guess that’s just proof of how much I like talking to you 😸 Goro is typing... So, we’re talking again? yeah? :) I’m glad Me too. I missed you. **Not delivered**

 

kissy face  
Active now

6:02 PM  
tip: airplane mode immediately for messages you sent by accident i don’t want to know why you’re telling me this now.

 

* * *

 

Alibaba

  


Goro Akechi. Great sinner of Being a Fuck. Who is this? That doesn’t matter. I need to know your intentions. How did you get this number? Please. You hung out with Inari AND you’re ruining Ren’s life. As if I wouldn’t get your number. No, HOW did you get it? mwehehe I have police connections. Don’t mess around with me. oh oink oink I take it you’re another of Ren’s interfering friends. I am a formless omnipresent entity actually ooooOOOOOoooooo what are your intentions with ren He’s turning out to be more trouble than he’s worth. I don’t take kindly to strangers contacting my phone. Please respect my privacy. UGH

 

Yusuke  
Active now

9:04 AM  
ok hows this What? it’s Alibaba. i took inaris phone. i deleted ur number are u happy Not particularly. Why not use your own account? bc [](https://i.imgur.com/k2Qq8sr.jpg)  
Goro is typing... Does Yusuke know you have his phone? If you’re going to contact me, I will insist on knowing your real name. you are such a mcfreaking pain

Yusuke set his nickname to futaba.  
don’t tell him I changed it won’t he notice? absolutely he will not what are ur intentions with ren I have no intentions. His friends are having intentions for me. how many more of you should I be expecting legions actually just me. the others will yell at ren instead Lucky me, granted the pleasure of your company, then. ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶ (」°ロ°)」 ヾ(`ヘ´)ﾉﾞ (/￣ー￣)/~~☆’.･.･:★’.･.･:☆ (─‿‿─) (=^･ω･^=) (･θ･) (っ•﹏•)っ ✴==≡눈٩(`皿´҂)ง ψ(▼へ▼メ)～→ motherfucker

 

* * *

 

futaba  
Active now

1:14 PM  
Is this Kitagawa? Yes...? Why wouldn’t it be? Never mind. I’m sorry to bother you. It’s no bother. Is something wrong? Goro is typing... How can you be so sure of how Ren feels? futaba is typing... Do you always make a habit of doubting yourself so much? I’m doubting you, not me and him Very well. I see you won’t settle for my word alone. [](https://i.imgur.com/US2weZA.png)  
Goro is typing... I thought Johanna was an ex-girlfriend. You really believed she was Ren’s bike? I suppose not. She belongs to our friend Makoto. Johanna is the name of the bike. So he wasn’t lying about that, at least... He really went to all that trouble? Mm. Odaiba is lovely this time of year. It was a good photograph. what is “phnantom thnieves” That’s our group name. What are you thnieving Hearts, according to Ren. And Futaba stole a stapler once.

 

* * *

 

futaba  
Active now

11:23 AM  
Futaba is another friend, by the way. Yes, I know. How do you know that? Oh, I’m a bit of a detective. How impressive...

 

* * *

 

futaba  
Active now

12:02 AM  
so? have u figured it out? Futaba, I take it. nnmhgmhmhnh its still weird if you call me by my name. stick with Alibaba. I’m not interested in playing your little games. good id kick ur ass

futaba set his nickname to Alibaba.  


 

Ren

**Sunday** 12:05 AM

lOok at thsi video of a towel dispenser screaming its FUCKING ass off [twitter.com/PO...](https://twitter.com/POSIndustries/status/1120781631516577792) oh my god

 

Alibaba  
Active now

12:06 AM  
What have I figured out? what? ur? doing? with? ren? why are you all so interfering what business is it of yours what he does in his personal life, much less what I do in mine? um we are FRIENDS u know friends right goro akechi want me 2 show u some spongebob to Familiarize with the Concept power of Friendship alright. some Anime perhaps That doesn’t answer my question. This goes beyond the ordinary scope of friendship. u know normally id agree as much as i hate 2 agree with a prep like u a prep? taking 5000 talking-to-normie damage What’s a normie? im gonna self destruct AS MUCH as i hate to agree with u u r correct, goro akechi of the akechi clan normally we wouldn’t give a shit what rens doing with his latest flame or stud or etc etc et c however it is the solemn duty of the phantom thieves, heroes of justice, to intervene when said flamestud is making him fucking miserable Goro is typing... Your scrolling text walls are giving me a headache. good. Suffer I wasn’t aware I was having any such effect on him. my dear Watson we could fill books with the things u r not aware of. libraries even. Global Knowledge Banks Goro is typing... So why are you asking me what I want with him? Couldn’t you just tell me to begone and have that be the end of it? yknow id love to my dear akekchi but unfortunately ren likes u is that so im just as shocked as u are well no actually ren has shit taste its like the one constant in the world besides death I’m not enjoying this conversation good SO what are ur intentions bc if u like him i will help u and if u don’t i will cut u down where u stand to make u leave him alone And how will you do that Alibaba is typing... [hgdjkghdjgdgjddg.zip] What is this? I’m not going to open a file from an unknown source. relax. it’s yours. What? they’re. your. files. i like the kidpix. and nice black condor cosplay. got the belt wrong tho. how did you get these?? ugh what else of urs do i have to get before u stop asking or should i get ur number back No. Stop. I do not respond well to being blackmailed. If you continue, I will involve the police. oh shut the fuck up im not Blackmailing u “I will cut you down where you stand.” ew did u ADD punctuation Leave me alone. Now. okay. i think we got off on the wrong foot here. little man. i dont want to hurt you. i actually don’t care about you at all. i just care about ren. don’t hurt him. please. that’s it. capiche? Goro is typing... and if i don’t like him? u know at this stage i don’t think theres much risk of that, but that’s fine. just let him off the hook. I’ve told him many times I wasn’t going to go on a date with him. He didn’t listen. If he wants to keep talking to me, that’s on him. yea but uve got that stupid bet going if ur really really not into him u gotta actually say stop Goro is typing... he’ll still wanna be friends if you do. so u can stop worrying. Goro is typing... talking to you is so draining. leaving now Wait. Futaba.

 

Ren

**Sunday** 12:07 AM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (dats me being a towel dispenser) you’re cute. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (dats me yelling bc u think im cute)

 

Alibaba  
Active 1m ago

12:24 AM  
Alibaba?

Alibaba set his nickname to talk to ren.  
Ugh.

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Monday** 5:21 PM

How was your day? i am so tired im gonna melt into the void I’ll catch you. babe ur the void?? 🙀 my boyfriend is the void NOT CLICKBAIT boyfriend, huh. i am confident in my victory so the bet’s still on? unless u don’t want it to be? no, it’s fine. It’s fun being pursued like this. wow egomaniac and you like it yep it’s cute gonna sweep u off ur feet The void has no feet. send void pix gonna sweep u off ur cloven hooves wow 😸 sorry to hear about your rough day... I hope you feel better. i do thank u hey im really happy we’re talking again me too.

 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

10:03 AM  
this is too much pressure is this life stuff or did u spend 8 minutes trying to decide on a crepe flavor again D: aghskgjhsg i love u want me to come over?? no, it’s okay. im just going to lie face down on my bed anyway o same reaches through cyberspace holds ur hand.. so whats up ren. his friends are insisting i either tell him that i like him or that i don’t aaaand i am guessing in ur brain that is a lot less simple than black or white okay, it’s not just MY brain. Emotions are complicated. u got me there well ok let’s workshop this maybe 1) do u like him this is the worst workshop of all time 1) do u like him yeah cool. that was way simpler than i oh you’re still typing but aarrrgggghhhghghghhghghgh Goro is typing... rgghghahgrhagrhgghhrhgghrgrhrghrghrr ann. I do not think I can be in a relationship with someone u keep acting like ur literally the devil ur mostly just crabby and mildly unstable thanks it’s what i luv about u!!! what you Luv about me is my wallet BABE.................NO.............................. :) and other things. honored so y no shippy it’s like you said. im crabby and unstable. im cutting out ‘mildly’ because frankly this is already a gross understatement ur a gross understatement thank you so much It’s just not... fair to him. To make him deal with that. why don’t u let him decide? because in the meantime that is a lot of inflicting myself on an innocent man U NEED TO COOL IT WITH THE SELF-HATE JUST GO GET A FUCKGIN CREPE AND KISS HIS STUPID PRETTY FACE UR NOT SELLING HIS SOUL JESus don’t yell at meeeeeee I WILL YELL ALL I WANT u BOX of butter cookies are you looking at a box of butter cookies right now yes look i think ur doing this wrong ur not proposing a lifelong commitment, you’re just being transparent about your feelings and BEFORE u CUT me OFF asking WHY I have REASONS that i made with logic Okay. 1) u cant have a proper conversation unless u have all the facts Okay, that’s fair. 2) u cant have all the facts unless u both know how u feel about the situation since this is a feelings situation but what if I don’t KNOW how i feel about the situation how do u feel about gently holding his face and kissing it. Goro is typing... you can continue god i should be a counselor SO in order to decide what u both want and considereverything and what u should do next u have to be honest FIRST I guess... you’re right. which means u should talk to him even if u don’t 100% know what ur gonna say That drives me crazy. yeah. but the good thing is it sucks is that what words mean now i MEAN it’s not just u figuring out ur feelings? being honest with someone u care about ABOUT those feelings? tbh? that kind of drives everyone crazy. so... ur not alone.

 

* * *

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 2:32 PM

Got a new guess for you. oh? Lemme have it you really like me **Not delivered**

you don’t realize how much I like you **Not delivered**

kill me now **Not delivered**

you still there? You’re impatient. Just waiting to prove my point. WOW I am so not. You baited me. **Wednesday** 2:56 PM

this is really immature I will have you know but I would wait for you all day You only lasted 20 minutes. I’m unconvinced. excuse me I JUST said I’d wait actions speak louder than words this is not a fair test environment you said you were gonna say something and then vanished how is that not fair? You Give Me Anxiety Haha. Okay, sorry. >:( anyway wrong. I am eternally patient. I’ll actually believe that. trust in me rising... rank up what? nothing My guess is that YOU are impatient Just throwing my own back at me? I suppose I don’t have to guess that you’re lazy. wrong again and EXCUSE me I can’t say for certain, but I suppose you’re not entirely wrong. I can be patient, though. guess so... uve waited this long to tell me u love me after all 😸 Goro is typing... Don’t be ridiculous. got u on the ropes now huh 😼 Just you wait. I’ll turn the tables yet. cant wait!

 

* * *

 

talk to ren  
Active now

1:31 PM  
hey kidderino Aren’t I draining to talk to? at this point listening to ren is worse are u gonna tell him or not. tick tock you never specified a time period. talk to ren is typing... I’m sorry, I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not holding off for fun. yea yea ur emotionally constipated w/e and I do not feel like unpacking ur sadist whatevers so ill give u the benefit of the doubt and say for the sake of argument that u Mean No Harm etc. excuse me??? i just said i dont want to unpack it plz learn 2 read? look. i don’t wanna keep repeating myself. im not that great with feelings either. Could have fooled me! shut your sass mouth what are u worried about Goro is typing... bc if “everything” then same mood worm but rens a good kid He’s definitely older than you. My son. My wonderful child a pos but still my Beloved Bundle of Joy hes not gonna ditch u. hes not gonna be mad. he wont even tease if ur all puppy eyes about it. also, he’s smitten. it’s super disgusting. i hate it and it’s all your fault so you should be glad im not setting you on fire in protest. my point is the worst case scenario is totally fine. coming from me. Anxiety supreme leader. I didn’t vote for you. i emerged from a pond holding a sword idk what ur afraid of here. i cant help. people aren’t my area. then leave me alone no ren basically saved my life. I will not Abandon him in his Time of Need even if his time of need is being horny for some asshole normie prep You know, I feel like you don’t like me somehow. look i love ren but by virtue of him liking u I have to assume ur trash he has zero taste literally forever his favorite featherman is black condor I like Black. yeah you’re perfect for each other and i can crush u both in one go talk 2 ren. and make it snappy im getting bored of this I wont kill u or anything ok but just take it from me. trust me. one padawan to another or whatever Padawan? Really? don’t bother I know ur a star wars fucker No, I mean, why assume I would train in the Jedi Order? talk to ren is typing... Goro is typing...

  
You can't reply to this conversation. Learn  
More

cool I kind of awnt to punch you now but you’re also right for once so let’s leave it on a high note yea? we’re done now. No more talky. nice meeting you.

talk to ren cleared his nickname.  


 

* * *

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:37 PM  
ok im just saying if u don’t wrap this whole thing up quicksmart SOON I will turn u into a carrot since when are you practiced in the dark arts more lyk.....the ORANGE arts i will dress u like I have never dressed u before you dress me every other weekend Not Like This I will knock u out and dye ur hair bright green and give u the most shocking fake tan and put you in fishnets and then just drag u around the city like a piece of luggage hm. as tempting as this sounds it doesn’t really appeal to me, personally the tabloids were JUST starting to leave me alone, too... you are so cruel... u are making this so much worse for urself Ann is typing... sorry, you must be tired of hearing about my ridiculous drama. Let’s talk about something else. aAAAAaAAARAHgrGRAHRAa grhahragrhaga ok I saw a cat at work today and i love her now we’re talking she was extremely small and adorable unlike ur repressed issues which are huge and uncute and now we’re not talking. no take me back plz maybe you’re right. I think I should get it over with and just do it. what, get therapy? . OHHHh TALK TO CATMAN yeah u should do that too and also the other thing one step at a time love OK YEA IM PROUD OF U GO GO GOROKUN no! not! now! I need to mentally prepare imgoing to prepare YOU into a roaste d carrot Why the carrots? idk I want carrot cake and there was also a bunny at work ive got carrots on the brainz why all these animals? why all these CLEAR DEFLECTIONS GORO AKECHI

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:45 PM  
You’re going to tell him? What?

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:45 PM  
oh and I told yusuke did you t--WHY just now BCOZ I NEED BACKUP check out my character in granblue fantasy (goro akechi being repressed lv69) hm i dont actually play this game stop calling me repressed stop BEING REpreEssed then

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:46 PM  
This is excellent news. Are you doing it now? I won’t be doing it at all if everyone doesn’t leave me alone in the next thirty seconds

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:47 PM  
WHY did you have to involve kitagawa I TOLD U EXTRA ENCOURAGEMENT and heres some more: 🥕

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:48 PM  
I have refrained from speaking in the requisite thirty seconds. Please now conclude this whole disastrous situation so I may rest. OK, nobody TOLD you to involve yourself. This is on you. And I don’t want to. Not yet. What’s the hold up?

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:50 PM  
arrghghghh since when is my life a spectator sport since u literally became ap ublic figure u idiot Goro is typing... shut up.

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:51 PM  
I will do things at my own pace. It’s unwise to allow fear to paralyze you. Tell him now. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:51 PM  
tell him!!! Rn!!!! don’t tell me what to do

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 4:51 PM

grapefruits are really weird

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:51 PM  
No.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:52 PM  
i CAN and SHOULD tell u what to do bc u will fuck it up otherwise Excuse me. I take offence to that

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:52 PM  
No maybes. Tell him. *Perhaps I will.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:52 PM  
then take offence but im still telling u what to do.

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 4:51 PM

i mean why is there so much skin. it already has such a thick skin why does it need like weird membrane I think avocados are weirder.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:52 PM  
he has such weirdly good timing catman??? Ren??? did he just msg u???? fate?????? it’s not fate. whats more Everyonehas to stop messaging me right now so I can getmyself together

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:52 PM  
Don’t be smart with me can’t help that.

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:53 PM  
u ok?? yes fine just frazzled however I miss peace and quiet u literally have not had peace and quiet ever since meeting me so shut the ufck up friendship is a mistake oh shut up and kiss the stupid cat boy already im out of popcorn Arhagghskghsgsgjkdgd

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 4:53 PM

avocados huh

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:54 PM  
Goro what

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:53 PM  
Tell him

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:53 PM  
Tell him you know what, fine. Fine.

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:53 PM  
Fine. If you’ll leave me alone, then I’ll do it. Then do it I will

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:53 PM  
THEN GO im going

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:54 PM  
so tell him I’m telling him!

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 4:53 PM

how so the pit and the skin just don’t make sense

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:55 PM  
actually i can’t do it. YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:55 PM  
nevermind Are you serious?! ok jesus FINE. Fine, if you’re so sure about it. if you’re wrong......

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:56 PM  
fine im doing it.

 

**Messages**

  
 **Ren**  
 **you raise a very good point**  


 

**Chats**

  
 **Yusuke**  
 **How are you going to say it?**

  
**kissy face**  
⤺fine im doing it.  


 

kissy face  
Active now

4:56 PM  
GOOD FINE

 

Ren

**Wednesday** 4:55 PM

you raise a very good point what about pineapples I don’t know. Somehow “I like you and I’d like to go on a date” doesn’t seem like enough. Goro is typing... Sorry. I mean I think pineapples are weird too. They burn through our flesh but we still eat them wait what

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:57 PM  
if ucked up ????????

 

Yusuke  
Active now

4:57 PM  
[SCR_480] like this, i suppose. .....................

 

kissy face  
Active now

4:58 PM  
[SCR_480] you are a gay fucking disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anngoro insta pic: HiNA [@wildcxrdd](https://twitter.com/midoriyaizuhugs)  
> thank you so much! <3
> 
> [insta icons here](https://www.freepik.com/free-vector/flat-instagram-icons-notifications-set_2400505.htm), [snail here](https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-snail-perched-on-strawberry-fruit-35808/). i modified both images myself.  
> [glitter text generator for all your calling-your-friends-names needs](http://www.glittertextonline.com/index.php)  
> [insta post code modified from this fantastically useful little tutorial](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8631214/chapters/22448411), thanks a bunch! comments are my own doing, though.
> 
> trivia:  
> 
> 
> * last year one of my courses went into a lot of detail on the art of transcription and the differences between spoken/written language, which happens to be something i’ve been interested in for a long time anyway, so i very gleefully called on that to write the call log in this chapter. i also consulted real linguistic corpora and listened to about 30 minutes to an hour of phone call recordings to observe the language use. just… for fun, i guess.  
> 
> * futaba set both yusuke's instagram username and his place of work on facebook.  
> 


End file.
